Ask the Marriage Maven: Help! My Husband's Buddies are Butting into My Marriage
Q. My husband always wants to hang out with his “boys”. He used to hang out with them a lot before we got married, and I thought that after we got married things would change and that he’d want to spend more time with me. Wrong!
It would be different if they did something productive, but all they do is sit around watching TV, playing video games, and listening to music. None of them have wives or serious girlfriends, except my husband— so I know they talk about other women, too.
We’ve only been married a year, and I already feel like we’re slipping into an old married couple relationship. A lot of fussing--and not much good communication. I’m afraid we won’t make it past year two. What can I do to make him want to spend more time with me?
J. N.
A. It is important that you and your husband spend a good amount of time together, especially as you guys are still learning what marriage is all about. But breaking up the boys club could be disastrous to your marriage. So I would not recommend telling your husband to cut his friends off completely, unless they are encouraging him to be unfaithful to you or contributing to addictive behaviors.
I know it can be annoying if your husband seems like he’d rather spend time with his buddies instead of you, but you’ll need to give him some rope. Whatever you do, don’t nag him about his time with his friends and let it be a constant source of bickering. Be clear that you want to spend more time with him, but let your actions be positive.
Here are three positive actions you can take:
1. Encourage the boys to meet in your house. Make his friends feel welcome in your home, make snacks (if you like to cook), and give them room to do their thing.
2. Suggest regular dates with your husband. Fill his social calendar at least once or twice a week with a planned activity that you two can share together. These dates don’t have to be expensive or overly involved. They can be as simple as a walk in the park or coffee at you local coffee shop. You can initiate until he feels the need to do more of the planning.
3. Another solution would be to set his friends up. I know that it’s a little sneaky and risky, but it can work. If they’re just two or three of them, have monthly mixers (or get-togethers) in your home with them and some of your single girlfriends. Who knows, they may hit it off, thereby freeing up some of your husband’s time.
A combination of these three suggestions, will probably work best. They’ll broaden your social life and deepen your relationship with each other. I hope these ideas have been helpful. I’m wishing you all the best in your marriage!
Friday, October 30, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Gods Blueprint For Saving A Marriage
"All things were created by Him and for Him...and in Him all things hold together" (Colossians 1:16b-17a). Having a successful marriage first requires you to understand what God had in mind for marriage. After all, If you want to understand the purpose behind an invention, you consult the One who invented it, right!
Since marriage is God's creation, He is in the saving marriages business. God created marriage for three very specific reasons, just like He created you, for very specific reasons. Our lives are more satisfying when we cooperate with God in fulfilling our purposes. Marriage is no exception...
First, you've probably learned that men and women were made in God's image (Gen. 1:26-27). But, did you know that within the marriage relationship husbands and wives also bear the image of God? They do this by demonstrating love and faithfulness to each other...like God does with us. You see, God covenants with His people, husbands and wives covenant to each other and God. So marriage was created to reflect God's faithfulness in the world.
The second reason God created marriage was to meet human needs. Needs for food, shelter and clothing as well as needs for love, acceptance, intimacy, and faithfulness. In that way marriage is a picture to the world of how God provides for His people.
Marriage is God's conduit for love. It was designed to be a safe harbor where a man and a woman could be totally naked and unashamed. A place where they could experience the unconditional love and acceptance of God through each other.
Third, marriage is one of the ways God expands His Kingdom and accomplishes His work in the earth. He commanded men and women to go forth and multiply, be fruitful and take dominion over the earth(Genesis 1:28).
Unfortunately, it is very difficult to do as God commanded when you are at odds with your spouse. Conflict drains our emotional and creative energies. Sadly, many husbands and wives feel like they are sleeping with the enemy instead of with their comrade in arms.
Marriage was designed with unity in mind. When a husband and wife are on the same page, so to speak, they are reflecting the unity of the Godhead. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). Unity is so important that Jesus told us it would be a great sign to the world testifying that He truly is the Son of God (John 17:23).
Okay, now you have the general idea God had in mind when He designed marriage, but saving marriage requires a plan.
First, you need to decide, once and for all, are you going to commit to honoring God through your marriage. Are you going to do it God's way? Are you going to trust His word, His plan and His design? If you answered yes, let's move on...
If you're making a plan to improve or save your marriage you need to start out on the right foot. That means getting right with God and your spouse first! To get right requires humility. It requires taking responsibility for the negative, sinful things you have contributed to your marriage without justifying yourself or blaming your spouse.
Confession of sin can be a turning point in our lives. It means we are in agreement with God about our sin and we are choosing to turn away from it. When we do this, God's word promises to give us the power to accomplish that. Some of the things you may want to consider confessing are: the ways in which you have not trusted and honored God, the ways you have not obeyed His word, the consequences of your choices to you, your spouse and your marriage.
Exercising humility is a crucial part of any saving marriages plan. Making confession of sin a regular part of your marriage will keep you humble and help to maintain emotional intimacy. Apologies go a long way in keeping our hearts pliable and loving towards our spouse and God.
The next step in the saving marriages blueprint is making a plan for knowing your spouse's most important needs. You also must become intentional about meeting those needs. Your spouse will feel more connected and in love with you when you are meeting his/her most important emotional needs.
Regular prayer is necessary for a successful marriage. Pray that God would show His love and faithfulness to your spouse through you. Prayer is how we experience the personal relationship we have with God through Christ. It is also where we avail ourselves to the grace of God. Therefore, your plan for saving marriage must include daily prayer for your spouse and your ability to love them.
A marriage that reflects God's image is a safe marriage. God is our refuge, therefore your marriage should be a refuge for both you and your spouse. A safe relationship is one where both husband and wife feel accepted even if there are disagreements. A plan for saving marriages needs to include a plan for safety. Neither spouse should ever have to worry about the proverbial nuclear bomb being dropped on them!
That's why a plan for saving marriages must address conflict. Your marriage can be free from condemnation, contempt, critical attitudes and defensiveness. It's your choice! It can be a place where you are quick to take responsibility for your own actions and slow to point your finger of blame. It is not, however, a marriage that is free from conflict. But, yours can be a marriage where both parties fight fair.
Finally, your saving marriages plan needs to include specific goals, goals that are written down. After all, God wrote down His plan...we call it the Bible! Isn't that a good enough reason for you to write down your plan for your marriage. Written goals are powerful. They help move a plan into motion.
Keep in mind, your goals need to be consistent with God's purpose for your marriage. Your goals will help you stay on track and give more purpose, meaning and direction to your marriage and family life. You may want to have goals in the following areas: Spiritual (we will study and pray together regularly), parenting (we will always be unified when disciplining the children), finances ( we will decide on a budget and stick to it), health (we will exercise regularly and eat right), communication (we will speak lovingly and respectfully to one another).
Well, that should be enough to get you started developing your own personal saving marriages plan. Remember, the Creator of marriage is in the business of saving marriages. Put your hope in the Lord for with Him is unfailing love and full redemption (Psalm 130:7).
Also, I recommend the save my marriage course. It's like marriage counseling, but not as expensive.
Since marriage is God's creation, He is in the saving marriages business. God created marriage for three very specific reasons, just like He created you, for very specific reasons. Our lives are more satisfying when we cooperate with God in fulfilling our purposes. Marriage is no exception...
First, you've probably learned that men and women were made in God's image (Gen. 1:26-27). But, did you know that within the marriage relationship husbands and wives also bear the image of God? They do this by demonstrating love and faithfulness to each other...like God does with us. You see, God covenants with His people, husbands and wives covenant to each other and God. So marriage was created to reflect God's faithfulness in the world.
The second reason God created marriage was to meet human needs. Needs for food, shelter and clothing as well as needs for love, acceptance, intimacy, and faithfulness. In that way marriage is a picture to the world of how God provides for His people.
Marriage is God's conduit for love. It was designed to be a safe harbor where a man and a woman could be totally naked and unashamed. A place where they could experience the unconditional love and acceptance of God through each other.
Third, marriage is one of the ways God expands His Kingdom and accomplishes His work in the earth. He commanded men and women to go forth and multiply, be fruitful and take dominion over the earth(Genesis 1:28).
Unfortunately, it is very difficult to do as God commanded when you are at odds with your spouse. Conflict drains our emotional and creative energies. Sadly, many husbands and wives feel like they are sleeping with the enemy instead of with their comrade in arms.
Marriage was designed with unity in mind. When a husband and wife are on the same page, so to speak, they are reflecting the unity of the Godhead. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). Unity is so important that Jesus told us it would be a great sign to the world testifying that He truly is the Son of God (John 17:23).
Okay, now you have the general idea God had in mind when He designed marriage, but saving marriage requires a plan.
First, you need to decide, once and for all, are you going to commit to honoring God through your marriage. Are you going to do it God's way? Are you going to trust His word, His plan and His design? If you answered yes, let's move on...
If you're making a plan to improve or save your marriage you need to start out on the right foot. That means getting right with God and your spouse first! To get right requires humility. It requires taking responsibility for the negative, sinful things you have contributed to your marriage without justifying yourself or blaming your spouse.
Confession of sin can be a turning point in our lives. It means we are in agreement with God about our sin and we are choosing to turn away from it. When we do this, God's word promises to give us the power to accomplish that. Some of the things you may want to consider confessing are: the ways in which you have not trusted and honored God, the ways you have not obeyed His word, the consequences of your choices to you, your spouse and your marriage.
Exercising humility is a crucial part of any saving marriages plan. Making confession of sin a regular part of your marriage will keep you humble and help to maintain emotional intimacy. Apologies go a long way in keeping our hearts pliable and loving towards our spouse and God.
The next step in the saving marriages blueprint is making a plan for knowing your spouse's most important needs. You also must become intentional about meeting those needs. Your spouse will feel more connected and in love with you when you are meeting his/her most important emotional needs.
Regular prayer is necessary for a successful marriage. Pray that God would show His love and faithfulness to your spouse through you. Prayer is how we experience the personal relationship we have with God through Christ. It is also where we avail ourselves to the grace of God. Therefore, your plan for saving marriage must include daily prayer for your spouse and your ability to love them.
A marriage that reflects God's image is a safe marriage. God is our refuge, therefore your marriage should be a refuge for both you and your spouse. A safe relationship is one where both husband and wife feel accepted even if there are disagreements. A plan for saving marriages needs to include a plan for safety. Neither spouse should ever have to worry about the proverbial nuclear bomb being dropped on them!
That's why a plan for saving marriages must address conflict. Your marriage can be free from condemnation, contempt, critical attitudes and defensiveness. It's your choice! It can be a place where you are quick to take responsibility for your own actions and slow to point your finger of blame. It is not, however, a marriage that is free from conflict. But, yours can be a marriage where both parties fight fair.
Finally, your saving marriages plan needs to include specific goals, goals that are written down. After all, God wrote down His plan...we call it the Bible! Isn't that a good enough reason for you to write down your plan for your marriage. Written goals are powerful. They help move a plan into motion.
Keep in mind, your goals need to be consistent with God's purpose for your marriage. Your goals will help you stay on track and give more purpose, meaning and direction to your marriage and family life. You may want to have goals in the following areas: Spiritual (we will study and pray together regularly), parenting (we will always be unified when disciplining the children), finances ( we will decide on a budget and stick to it), health (we will exercise regularly and eat right), communication (we will speak lovingly and respectfully to one another).
Well, that should be enough to get you started developing your own personal saving marriages plan. Remember, the Creator of marriage is in the business of saving marriages. Put your hope in the Lord for with Him is unfailing love and full redemption (Psalm 130:7).
Also, I recommend the save my marriage course. It's like marriage counseling, but not as expensive.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Online Dating
Want to get hitched? Try online dating
So, you have finally opened up to the idea of dating online and prospect for a relationship that will blossom into something fruitful, like marriage!
What we have explored up to now is the most important information you need to know. Now, lets dig a little deeper.
Here are some tips for a successful online dating experience.
Use utter special information. Of course, you should be practical in generous out special contact information. But otherwise, give out your likes and dislikes, your interests, and preferred books honestly. Members on the online service may look at your site and disappear uninterested if they see that your profile is just full of Ask Me descriptions and statements.
Okay, you might want to disappear additional information to those interested, but you have to give information on your profile that would show your best attributes.
You might want to add photographs to your profile. Some online sites have audio and videotape features where you can upload your clips. Instead of a dull profile with no movies or videotape or audio clips, why not try these features? It makes your profile personalized and interesting.
When surfing and chatting in an online singles site, you must not be rude or aggressive in your profile. duck also with swear or curse words. People are bowed off by insulting remarks.
Honesty is the best policy. Highlight the best characteristics that you have, but don't lie.
If you are actually passionate about something, say so. Do not veil the gear that you are very passionate about. If you actually like partying, say so. Pretending to be somebody you are not, won't help you get a time you like.
If it is available, try the site's voicemail services. inquiry the speech of a prospective partner is wonderful. You could sense the person's background by the way they communicate with you.
When somebody sends you an unsigned message, try to answer as quickly as you can. If you are decided in having online dates with the prospect of having fruitful relationships (and hopefully marriage), then you should be decided in replying to messages.
Be patient. You should take your time in decision the great partner, and not only in online services. It takes time for people to enlarge and have decided commitment to each other.
Always think optimistically. Keep thinking the best will happen.
If you are looking for a long-term relationship or marriage through online dating services, memorize that you should be unwearied and honest.
The next time you have questions regarding this subject, you can refer back to this article as a handy guide.
So, you have finally opened up to the idea of dating online and prospect for a relationship that will blossom into something fruitful, like marriage!
What we have explored up to now is the most important information you need to know. Now, lets dig a little deeper.
Here are some tips for a successful online dating experience.
Use utter special information. Of course, you should be practical in generous out special contact information. But otherwise, give out your likes and dislikes, your interests, and preferred books honestly. Members on the online service may look at your site and disappear uninterested if they see that your profile is just full of Ask Me descriptions and statements.
Okay, you might want to disappear additional information to those interested, but you have to give information on your profile that would show your best attributes.
You might want to add photographs to your profile. Some online sites have audio and videotape features where you can upload your clips. Instead of a dull profile with no movies or videotape or audio clips, why not try these features? It makes your profile personalized and interesting.
When surfing and chatting in an online singles site, you must not be rude or aggressive in your profile. duck also with swear or curse words. People are bowed off by insulting remarks.
Honesty is the best policy. Highlight the best characteristics that you have, but don't lie.
If you are actually passionate about something, say so. Do not veil the gear that you are very passionate about. If you actually like partying, say so. Pretending to be somebody you are not, won't help you get a time you like.
If it is available, try the site's voicemail services. inquiry the speech of a prospective partner is wonderful. You could sense the person's background by the way they communicate with you.
When somebody sends you an unsigned message, try to answer as quickly as you can. If you are decided in having online dates with the prospect of having fruitful relationships (and hopefully marriage), then you should be decided in replying to messages.
Be patient. You should take your time in decision the great partner, and not only in online services. It takes time for people to enlarge and have decided commitment to each other.
Always think optimistically. Keep thinking the best will happen.
If you are looking for a long-term relationship or marriage through online dating services, memorize that you should be unwearied and honest.
The next time you have questions regarding this subject, you can refer back to this article as a handy guide.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Save My Marriage Today Review
If you are considering Marriage Counseling, you first might want to look at a course called Save My Marriage Today. I recently came across this course. I decided I would do a Save My Marriage Today Review.
First thing I notice, The Save My Marriage Today course has a lot of information on how to improve the relationship between you and your spouse. There are great step-by-step exercises, discussions on how to deal with anger, five things you must pay attention too, etc. It's a really in-depth course.
Also, something else I noticed. The Save My Marriage Today course is a downloadable product. It's not like marriage counseling where you see someone in person. You order the book online, download it, and read it. In addition, if you order now, the company that put this product out said they will include 6 bonuses with it which I thought was really nice of them. For a limited time, they will also include free e-mail consultation.
So once more, if you are considering Marriage Counseling, first take a look at this Save My Marriage Today course. Because after all, The Save My Marriage Today course is a lot cheaper and who knows, it may just be what you need. I should note, this also comes with a full 6-day money back guarantee. So you don't have to worry about not being satisfied with this product.
Anyway, good luck!
Once more, you can download the course here.
First thing I notice, The Save My Marriage Today course has a lot of information on how to improve the relationship between you and your spouse. There are great step-by-step exercises, discussions on how to deal with anger, five things you must pay attention too, etc. It's a really in-depth course.
Also, something else I noticed. The Save My Marriage Today course is a downloadable product. It's not like marriage counseling where you see someone in person. You order the book online, download it, and read it. In addition, if you order now, the company that put this product out said they will include 6 bonuses with it which I thought was really nice of them. For a limited time, they will also include free e-mail consultation.
So once more, if you are considering Marriage Counseling, first take a look at this Save My Marriage Today course. Because after all, The Save My Marriage Today course is a lot cheaper and who knows, it may just be what you need. I should note, this also comes with a full 6-day money back guarantee. So you don't have to worry about not being satisfied with this product.
Anyway, good luck!
Once more, you can download the course here.
Emotional Affairs
Hearing that your cheating spouse is “in love” with someone else is devastating. I hear often, “I can handle her having sex with someone else. I think I can live with that. But, for her to give herself emotionally and “love” someone else…man, that is hard.” (Feel free to substitute the word he for she in this article.)
What can you specifically do to increase the odds of saving the marriage?
So often the offended spouse reacts with intense feelings and pulls out all stops to “win her back.”
He applies pressure. Begs. Cajoles. Makes promises. Gets in her face. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. Talks to her family and friends. Calls her on the phone. Asks questions… daily, sometimes hourly. He is on her like a fly on doo-doo.
It doesn’t work.Why? Well, for one reason she has found all the stimulation and excitement she supposedly needs in her new found “love.”
At a deeper level this is confusing enough for the cheating husband or cheating wife. Any additional input will be overwhelming and she is liable to close the door on the marriage even further. Plus, she is really looking for some stability, some solid centered core that will hold her firm when the wind of drama entices her and blows around her.
If you bombard her with your neediness, you are certainly not the person who can help her in ways she really seeks.
She also is liable to create a polarity and begin comparing you to him. With your neediness dripping all over you, you don’t stand a very good chance of coming out on top. Sorry!
Here’s a tactic that helps solve the dilemma and gives you a greater chance of saving the marriage.It’s called “back off!”
Stop pressing. Slow down the pace. Be silent – most of the time. Stop making requests. Stop asking questions. Stop trying to wiggle out some assurance. Stop being a pain!
Remember, this “in love” state will fade. You need to have the confidence that it will. You need patience. The relationship will run its course.
She needs the space. She needs some quiet moments to truly hear herself and face the emptiness within. There will be a voice within her that says, “This will not last. Is this what I really want? At some time I must live in the real world. Where is this taking me? Is this where I really want to go? Why am I so dependent on him? Why do I feel this empty pit in my stomach when I’m not with him? What does this say about me?”
This is her opportunity to learn about TRUE love. Don’t get in her way.
I know. I know. This is easier said than done. But, you must do it. It is vitally important that you learn to quiet yourself, control yourself and keep on the straight and narrow path.
At this point with those I coach, I teach them a skill called "charging neutral" to help "back off." Use that skill.This will take some effort. It might take some coaching or therapy. It most likely will demand that you get to know yourself better, that you gain more confidence in you – apart from what she does with him – that you build a strong foundation under yourself that can weather any storm.
This is your opportunity to grow to another level.
Oh, by the way. She will notice! And….she might like it.
Backing off does not mean that you don’t have anything to do with her. Quite the contrary. You want to maintain your contact with her, but it will be QUALITY contact. It will be contact that does honor to you, confronts her with the reality of her decisions and works toward resolution for the marriage.
Summary: Less often means more when facing emotional infidelity. Learning a specific skill such as "backing off" enhances one's chance to save the marriage.
What can you specifically do to increase the odds of saving the marriage?
So often the offended spouse reacts with intense feelings and pulls out all stops to “win her back.”
He applies pressure. Begs. Cajoles. Makes promises. Gets in her face. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. Talks to her family and friends. Calls her on the phone. Asks questions… daily, sometimes hourly. He is on her like a fly on doo-doo.
It doesn’t work.Why? Well, for one reason she has found all the stimulation and excitement she supposedly needs in her new found “love.”
At a deeper level this is confusing enough for the cheating husband or cheating wife. Any additional input will be overwhelming and she is liable to close the door on the marriage even further. Plus, she is really looking for some stability, some solid centered core that will hold her firm when the wind of drama entices her and blows around her.
If you bombard her with your neediness, you are certainly not the person who can help her in ways she really seeks.
She also is liable to create a polarity and begin comparing you to him. With your neediness dripping all over you, you don’t stand a very good chance of coming out on top. Sorry!
Here’s a tactic that helps solve the dilemma and gives you a greater chance of saving the marriage.It’s called “back off!”
Stop pressing. Slow down the pace. Be silent – most of the time. Stop making requests. Stop asking questions. Stop trying to wiggle out some assurance. Stop being a pain!
Remember, this “in love” state will fade. You need to have the confidence that it will. You need patience. The relationship will run its course.
She needs the space. She needs some quiet moments to truly hear herself and face the emptiness within. There will be a voice within her that says, “This will not last. Is this what I really want? At some time I must live in the real world. Where is this taking me? Is this where I really want to go? Why am I so dependent on him? Why do I feel this empty pit in my stomach when I’m not with him? What does this say about me?”
This is her opportunity to learn about TRUE love. Don’t get in her way.
I know. I know. This is easier said than done. But, you must do it. It is vitally important that you learn to quiet yourself, control yourself and keep on the straight and narrow path.
At this point with those I coach, I teach them a skill called "charging neutral" to help "back off." Use that skill.This will take some effort. It might take some coaching or therapy. It most likely will demand that you get to know yourself better, that you gain more confidence in you – apart from what she does with him – that you build a strong foundation under yourself that can weather any storm.
This is your opportunity to grow to another level.
Oh, by the way. She will notice! And….she might like it.
Backing off does not mean that you don’t have anything to do with her. Quite the contrary. You want to maintain your contact with her, but it will be QUALITY contact. It will be contact that does honor to you, confronts her with the reality of her decisions and works toward resolution for the marriage.
Summary: Less often means more when facing emotional infidelity. Learning a specific skill such as "backing off" enhances one's chance to save the marriage.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Some Ways To Save Your Marriage
They say that marriage is the most important decision you have to make in your whole life. Although this has been a reminder from the elders, some people do not look at it that way especially the young. Sometimes, what turns out to be the smartest decision becomes the opposite.
When a couple realizes that their marriage is going down, there’s nothing more important than saving marriage. You should talk about things that will be helpful to save your marriage. It is important for a couple to remain the same as how it used to be.
There are a lot of factors affecting marriage and it hinders having a happy, fun and enjoying life for the couples.
If a married couple is having problems, they need to do everything to save marriage especially if they have kids. This article will give you tips on how to save marriage.
First is to acknowledge the reasons for your problems. This means that both of you should accept the problem and find out how it all started. If you do not talk it over, problems will get bigger and bigger. When the problem becomes bigger, it will be hard to pull it down and talk over.
If the partners are rational, calm and reasonable, chances are they can talk it out easily. As much as possible, stay away from high temper and avoid getting into an argument when you are both not in the mood because it will just be a cat and dog fight. Sometimes, when in too much anger, people tend to say things that they don’t really have and mean to especially if both of them are emotional.
You should find a middle ground so that both of you can understand each other very well. This will set you in the mood to talk about the problem and what needs to be done and undone. The couple should agree to their decision and each one should make a promise to know better in dealing some unwanted circumstances which often leads to a serious fight.
Work as a team. Talk to each other and ask what you both need to enlighten yourself out of stress and other problems. one should support the other by means of understanding everything he or she is going through.
Each one should be open about their feelings and emotions. It is not proper to hide anger, envy and jealousy for a longer time but pour it all out one day. This often leads to misunderstandings. Try talking to each other and find out what one likes or dislikes about their behavior whether for themselves or other people.
You need to take it slowly. Do not run into conclusions which you are not sure of. Avoid the words that you want to say that you think might hurt him or her. When you take it down, you will both find it later that its not really a big problem to tackle and fight about. This will save marriage effectively.
Try to find other ways on how to enjoy and relax. When you think of saving marriage you need to take it with all your heart or else, it will not work at all. Try to find something which you have both never done before. Following these tips will help you save your marriage and last until the end.
For my recommendation on how to save your marriage, I recommend the save my marriage course. It's like marriage counseling, but not as expensive.
When a couple realizes that their marriage is going down, there’s nothing more important than saving marriage. You should talk about things that will be helpful to save your marriage. It is important for a couple to remain the same as how it used to be.
There are a lot of factors affecting marriage and it hinders having a happy, fun and enjoying life for the couples.
If a married couple is having problems, they need to do everything to save marriage especially if they have kids. This article will give you tips on how to save marriage.
First is to acknowledge the reasons for your problems. This means that both of you should accept the problem and find out how it all started. If you do not talk it over, problems will get bigger and bigger. When the problem becomes bigger, it will be hard to pull it down and talk over.
If the partners are rational, calm and reasonable, chances are they can talk it out easily. As much as possible, stay away from high temper and avoid getting into an argument when you are both not in the mood because it will just be a cat and dog fight. Sometimes, when in too much anger, people tend to say things that they don’t really have and mean to especially if both of them are emotional.
You should find a middle ground so that both of you can understand each other very well. This will set you in the mood to talk about the problem and what needs to be done and undone. The couple should agree to their decision and each one should make a promise to know better in dealing some unwanted circumstances which often leads to a serious fight.
Work as a team. Talk to each other and ask what you both need to enlighten yourself out of stress and other problems. one should support the other by means of understanding everything he or she is going through.
Each one should be open about their feelings and emotions. It is not proper to hide anger, envy and jealousy for a longer time but pour it all out one day. This often leads to misunderstandings. Try talking to each other and find out what one likes or dislikes about their behavior whether for themselves or other people.
You need to take it slowly. Do not run into conclusions which you are not sure of. Avoid the words that you want to say that you think might hurt him or her. When you take it down, you will both find it later that its not really a big problem to tackle and fight about. This will save marriage effectively.
Try to find other ways on how to enjoy and relax. When you think of saving marriage you need to take it with all your heart or else, it will not work at all. Try to find something which you have both never done before. Following these tips will help you save your marriage and last until the end.
For my recommendation on how to save your marriage, I recommend the save my marriage course. It's like marriage counseling, but not as expensive.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Does Marriage Counseling Work?
When considering marriage counseling, it's difficult not to wonder whether seeing a marriage counselor will actually work. This article provides some objective information based on data obtained from a national survey of marriage and family counselors and their clients. Also presented are several interesting opinions provided by individuals who have actually been through marriage counseling and were asked to comment on whether or not seeing a marriage counselor proved effective in helping their relationship.
An honest marriage counselor would agree that the motivation of a couple may be the single most important factor in determining the success of marriage counseling. It's unlikely that even a brilliant counselor would be able to save a marriage where one spouse has already decided upon a divorce, and a mediocre marriage counselor can probably help a couple who are utterly committed towards making their marriage work. With this in mind, research has been made in an effort to determine, on a more scientific level, the effectiveness of couples counseling.
In an article published by Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, clients of marriage and family counselors from 15 different states reported on their experience with counseling. The findings indicated that marriage and family counselors treated a wide range of issues in relatively short-term fashion, couple and family therapy are briefer than individual therapy, and that client satisfaction and functional improvement are quite high.
[*] Specifically, of clients from 526 marriage and family counselors in 15 different states:
98.1% rated services good or excellent
97.1% got the kind of help they desired
91.2% were satisfied with the amount of help they received
93% said they were helped in dealing more effectively with problems
94.3% would return to the same therapist in the future
96.9% would recommend their therapist to a friend
97.4% were generally satisfied with the service they received
63.4% reported improved physical health
54.8% reported improvement in functioning at work
73.7% indicated improvement in children’s behavior
58.7% showed improvement in children’s school performance
[*] Excerpted from "Clinical Practice Patterns of Marriage and Family Therapists: A National Survey of Therapists and Their Clients", Journal of Marital and Family Therapy--Volume 22, No. 1
While the above study provides raw data that supports the effectiveness of marriage and family counseling, a very interesting discussion on the question "Does Couples Counseling Work" from a public forum devoted to this topic offers a less clinical, but still positive view. Based on what seems to be a very honest and frank discussion among couples "who've been there," the answer to the question of whether or not marriage counseling is effective is a positive one. Read these posts on the Berkley Parents Network.
Regardless of the studies and opinions which seem to support the effectiveness of marriage / couples counseling, there are those who question it's effectiveness. An article on the about.com portal, had this to say:
The science of marital counseling is being studied in great detail these days. Research is showing that it is not as effective as people think, that women seem to get more from it than men, and that it might not have a lasting effect on the couple's marriage.
What type of couple gets the most from couple therapy? The answer is young, non-sexist, still in love, open couples.
Which couples receive the least from therapy? Some factors that can make couple therapy unsuccessful include couples who wait too long before seeking help, and often one or the other is set on getting a divorce and is closed to any suggestions that may save the marriage.
Excerpted from the marriage.about.com portal
Unfortunately, the data supporting the above-mentioned research is not specifically cited in the article. The article seems to imply that couples who seek counseling because they want their relationship to work are more likely to succeed with marriage counseling than are those who enter into counseling with the (perhaps hidden) truth that they already want out.
For my recommendation on how to save your marriage, I recommend the save my marriage course. It's like marriage counseling, but not as expensive.
An honest marriage counselor would agree that the motivation of a couple may be the single most important factor in determining the success of marriage counseling. It's unlikely that even a brilliant counselor would be able to save a marriage where one spouse has already decided upon a divorce, and a mediocre marriage counselor can probably help a couple who are utterly committed towards making their marriage work. With this in mind, research has been made in an effort to determine, on a more scientific level, the effectiveness of couples counseling.
In an article published by Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, clients of marriage and family counselors from 15 different states reported on their experience with counseling. The findings indicated that marriage and family counselors treated a wide range of issues in relatively short-term fashion, couple and family therapy are briefer than individual therapy, and that client satisfaction and functional improvement are quite high.
[*] Specifically, of clients from 526 marriage and family counselors in 15 different states:
98.1% rated services good or excellent
97.1% got the kind of help they desired
91.2% were satisfied with the amount of help they received
93% said they were helped in dealing more effectively with problems
94.3% would return to the same therapist in the future
96.9% would recommend their therapist to a friend
97.4% were generally satisfied with the service they received
63.4% reported improved physical health
54.8% reported improvement in functioning at work
73.7% indicated improvement in children’s behavior
58.7% showed improvement in children’s school performance
[*] Excerpted from "Clinical Practice Patterns of Marriage and Family Therapists: A National Survey of Therapists and Their Clients", Journal of Marital and Family Therapy--Volume 22, No. 1
While the above study provides raw data that supports the effectiveness of marriage and family counseling, a very interesting discussion on the question "Does Couples Counseling Work" from a public forum devoted to this topic offers a less clinical, but still positive view. Based on what seems to be a very honest and frank discussion among couples "who've been there," the answer to the question of whether or not marriage counseling is effective is a positive one. Read these posts on the Berkley Parents Network.
Regardless of the studies and opinions which seem to support the effectiveness of marriage / couples counseling, there are those who question it's effectiveness. An article on the about.com portal, had this to say:
The science of marital counseling is being studied in great detail these days. Research is showing that it is not as effective as people think, that women seem to get more from it than men, and that it might not have a lasting effect on the couple's marriage.
What type of couple gets the most from couple therapy? The answer is young, non-sexist, still in love, open couples.
Which couples receive the least from therapy? Some factors that can make couple therapy unsuccessful include couples who wait too long before seeking help, and often one or the other is set on getting a divorce and is closed to any suggestions that may save the marriage.
Excerpted from the marriage.about.com portal
Unfortunately, the data supporting the above-mentioned research is not specifically cited in the article. The article seems to imply that couples who seek counseling because they want their relationship to work are more likely to succeed with marriage counseling than are those who enter into counseling with the (perhaps hidden) truth that they already want out.
For my recommendation on how to save your marriage, I recommend the save my marriage course. It's like marriage counseling, but not as expensive.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Less Anger In Your Marriage
Jose and Juanita have been married for 17 years, and basically love each other, yet have been fighting over the same issue almost every night of those years: She likes it cold at night and he likes it warm in their house and bedroom. She had just opened their bedroom windows for the night. When she left to visit the bathroom, she heard Jose follow her and close all the windows.
Let’s eavesdrop to see what we can learn about this fight and what to do about it.
—(curtain up)—
Juanita: (to Jose) "I can’t sleep unless the windows are wide open. You know that, but insist on closing them every night, just so I’ll be miserable. You are selfish and inconsiderate."
Jose: (to Juanita):"This is my house too. Why should I have to freeze? You always get your way. It is so cold in here you could hang meat! Are you trying to get me sick? No NORMAL person would want it this cold!"
(curtain down)
IS THIS A SOLVABLE PROBLEM?
Depends on the specific marriage. For some couples, the solution would be a simple compromise of some sort; for instance, buy a room thermometer and agree to always keep the room at an agreed upon temperature both could live with.
In many marriages, however, a problem like this is not easily solved—it becomes “perpetual”—and trying to “solve” it only creates anger and tension. For Jose and Juanita, this unfortunately was the case.
Why is a simple problem like this not solvable for our couple and in many other marriages? Could be many reasons, but the usual culprits are:
(1) The couple is engaged in a “power” or “control” struggle. This means the fight isn’t about the issue anymore—it is about who will win or lose.
(2) The temperature issue goes deeper and is emotionally tied into other personal or marital issues. If this is the case, the more pressure put on the person to “change,” the more the person resists.
For instance, turns out that Juanita literally panics if in a room without air flow due to issues in her childhood. Depriving her of fresh air flow literally makes her want to fight for her life.
CONFIDING MAKES THE DIFFERENCE
Let’s now listen in on what Jose and Juanita could have said that may have made a HUGE difference in their communication.
This is because now they are speaking from their hearts —combining empathy (seeing things from the viewpoint of the other) with assertive communication (honestly speaking your feelings and thoughts in a forthright manner)
Juanita (should have said something like):"I feel that I don’t have to put up with this, although I also feel bad that you have to suffer. I tell myself that if you really loved me, you would want me to be comfortable at night.
I also ask myself why should I always give in? I work hard all day too and deserve some consideration. All I’m asking for is a decent night’s sleep, but then, I wonder if I am being too selfish."
Jose (should have said something like):"I do really love you and I want you to be comfortable too, but it gets so cold in here at night for me that I can’t sleep.
We both want a good night’s sleep and want to be able to continue sleeping together in the same room. Let’s find a way to discuss it so it doesn’t make us so angry at each other."
Granted, it is not easy to confide when in the heat of marital battle. Consequently, it is often better to first take a time out, calm down and then communicate what is in your heart. The following communication tips will help:
FOUR COMMUNICATION TIPS
Tip 1- Don’t only focus on the issue. Also discuss your feelings, thoughts, and inner conflicts surrounding the issue. Confide what is going on in both your heart and your mind.
Tip 2- Look at how you communicate with each other ABOUT the issue. Focus on the process of communication.
Tip 3- Give up needing to be right all the time. Wise and successful married people have discovered that often it is preferable to be happy than to be right!
Tip 4- Convey to your partner that you love them enough to want to join them so together you can find a way to deal with the issue or problem.
Let’s eavesdrop to see what we can learn about this fight and what to do about it.
—(curtain up)—
Juanita: (to Jose) "I can’t sleep unless the windows are wide open. You know that, but insist on closing them every night, just so I’ll be miserable. You are selfish and inconsiderate."
Jose: (to Juanita):"This is my house too. Why should I have to freeze? You always get your way. It is so cold in here you could hang meat! Are you trying to get me sick? No NORMAL person would want it this cold!"
(curtain down)
IS THIS A SOLVABLE PROBLEM?
Depends on the specific marriage. For some couples, the solution would be a simple compromise of some sort; for instance, buy a room thermometer and agree to always keep the room at an agreed upon temperature both could live with.
In many marriages, however, a problem like this is not easily solved—it becomes “perpetual”—and trying to “solve” it only creates anger and tension. For Jose and Juanita, this unfortunately was the case.
Why is a simple problem like this not solvable for our couple and in many other marriages? Could be many reasons, but the usual culprits are:
(1) The couple is engaged in a “power” or “control” struggle. This means the fight isn’t about the issue anymore—it is about who will win or lose.
(2) The temperature issue goes deeper and is emotionally tied into other personal or marital issues. If this is the case, the more pressure put on the person to “change,” the more the person resists.
For instance, turns out that Juanita literally panics if in a room without air flow due to issues in her childhood. Depriving her of fresh air flow literally makes her want to fight for her life.
CONFIDING MAKES THE DIFFERENCE
Let’s now listen in on what Jose and Juanita could have said that may have made a HUGE difference in their communication.
This is because now they are speaking from their hearts —combining empathy (seeing things from the viewpoint of the other) with assertive communication (honestly speaking your feelings and thoughts in a forthright manner)
Juanita (should have said something like):"I feel that I don’t have to put up with this, although I also feel bad that you have to suffer. I tell myself that if you really loved me, you would want me to be comfortable at night.
I also ask myself why should I always give in? I work hard all day too and deserve some consideration. All I’m asking for is a decent night’s sleep, but then, I wonder if I am being too selfish."
Jose (should have said something like):"I do really love you and I want you to be comfortable too, but it gets so cold in here at night for me that I can’t sleep.
We both want a good night’s sleep and want to be able to continue sleeping together in the same room. Let’s find a way to discuss it so it doesn’t make us so angry at each other."
Granted, it is not easy to confide when in the heat of marital battle. Consequently, it is often better to first take a time out, calm down and then communicate what is in your heart. The following communication tips will help:
FOUR COMMUNICATION TIPS
Tip 1- Don’t only focus on the issue. Also discuss your feelings, thoughts, and inner conflicts surrounding the issue. Confide what is going on in both your heart and your mind.
Tip 2- Look at how you communicate with each other ABOUT the issue. Focus on the process of communication.
Tip 3- Give up needing to be right all the time. Wise and successful married people have discovered that often it is preferable to be happy than to be right!
Tip 4- Convey to your partner that you love them enough to want to join them so together you can find a way to deal with the issue or problem.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Neglect In A Marriage
It is so easy to work your life away, forget about your family, your partner and your relationship. People putting work before family is such a common marriage problem that seems to pop up time and time again.
It’s ok for a while, your partner will understand that you need to put some time and effort into your career especially if it generates a good income but as time goes on and the ‘W’ word pops up again and again, even if your partner enjoys the benefits of your efforts, all patience fades and the realisation sets in that work is more important!!
I used to know a couple who spent most of their life apart. He worked nights and she worked days. She enjoyed spending the money that night shifts generated, loved new clothes, new cars and all the little luxuries a comfortable life style brings but hated her partner being tired when he was at home. They were between a rock and a hard place with him knowing that if he gave up nights bang went the luxuries and more than likely bye bye wife but if he carried on working nights and striving for promotion he was dead in the water anyway. What a choice. Needless to say they never reached a compromise, she wasn’t willing to wait for the promotion and a return to day shifts, so they are no longer married.
Working excessively long hours, travelling a lot and constantly leading separate lives is bound to put a strain on your relationship and it has proven to be a real relationship killer, a common marriage problem that is prolific in the ‘career’ society. Just look at the number people that are addicted to long unsociable working hours and then see how many of them are still married.
I’ve only ever met a handful of couples who are truly comfortable with, at best, a weekend relationship and these are couples that have learned and are happy to live independent lives. The problem in their relationships will come when the long hours and travelling comes to an end and they have to learn to live with each other 24/7.
How many partners spend their whole life at work, rarely seeing their children and having little time for their spouse? Their partners so often feel neglected, crave adult company, and as time goes on, the neglected partner’s cries go on ignored the relationship begins to wither and fade and the couple tend to grow apart.
When children are involved it is even more difficult with just one partner having to make sure they are around. That they are the ones there in the mornings and there in the evenings and that they alone have to revolve their whole lives around children and school. Again this pressure on one partner is all too common, a marriage problem that seems to be ignored by spouses who tend to avoid their responsibilities under the misguided understanding that their partners can and are happy to cope.
Those early years, when your children are growing up are very special and are years that can never be recaptured. They aren’t years that should just pass you by at your desk under the false impression that next time your child wants you it will be different, you just need to clear this project and then the next and then the next….. It’s never any different.
Children struggle with the concept of work being more important than them and what is going on in their lives. They are too young to understand the concept that their parent is just short sighted, perhaps confused as to what should take priority in their lives. Money doesn’t mean much to a child.
When work takes over your life, no matter what you best intentions are, if your vision isn’t understand and accepted by your family and they aren’t 100% behind you all of the way they will learn to resent the time you spend at your desk rather than with them. They will feel abandoned, unwanted and unloved.
If you want to revolve your life around a work driven environment you must make sure that that your partner has the same all consuming driving ambition. If either one in a relationship feels that work has taken over the family life it is time to sit down and discuss what is important in to you both. Consider the issues, understand the feelings on both sides, think about the children and work out what is best for the individuals, the relationship and the family as a whole.
Catch this common marriage problem before it develops into something more serious don’t loose your family over something you probably will learn to regret, save your marriage before it’s too late.
For my recommendation on how to save your marriage, I recommend the save my marriage course. It's like marriage counseling, but not nearly as expensive. Check it out!
It’s ok for a while, your partner will understand that you need to put some time and effort into your career especially if it generates a good income but as time goes on and the ‘W’ word pops up again and again, even if your partner enjoys the benefits of your efforts, all patience fades and the realisation sets in that work is more important!!
I used to know a couple who spent most of their life apart. He worked nights and she worked days. She enjoyed spending the money that night shifts generated, loved new clothes, new cars and all the little luxuries a comfortable life style brings but hated her partner being tired when he was at home. They were between a rock and a hard place with him knowing that if he gave up nights bang went the luxuries and more than likely bye bye wife but if he carried on working nights and striving for promotion he was dead in the water anyway. What a choice. Needless to say they never reached a compromise, she wasn’t willing to wait for the promotion and a return to day shifts, so they are no longer married.
Working excessively long hours, travelling a lot and constantly leading separate lives is bound to put a strain on your relationship and it has proven to be a real relationship killer, a common marriage problem that is prolific in the ‘career’ society. Just look at the number people that are addicted to long unsociable working hours and then see how many of them are still married.
I’ve only ever met a handful of couples who are truly comfortable with, at best, a weekend relationship and these are couples that have learned and are happy to live independent lives. The problem in their relationships will come when the long hours and travelling comes to an end and they have to learn to live with each other 24/7.
How many partners spend their whole life at work, rarely seeing their children and having little time for their spouse? Their partners so often feel neglected, crave adult company, and as time goes on, the neglected partner’s cries go on ignored the relationship begins to wither and fade and the couple tend to grow apart.
When children are involved it is even more difficult with just one partner having to make sure they are around. That they are the ones there in the mornings and there in the evenings and that they alone have to revolve their whole lives around children and school. Again this pressure on one partner is all too common, a marriage problem that seems to be ignored by spouses who tend to avoid their responsibilities under the misguided understanding that their partners can and are happy to cope.
Those early years, when your children are growing up are very special and are years that can never be recaptured. They aren’t years that should just pass you by at your desk under the false impression that next time your child wants you it will be different, you just need to clear this project and then the next and then the next….. It’s never any different.
Children struggle with the concept of work being more important than them and what is going on in their lives. They are too young to understand the concept that their parent is just short sighted, perhaps confused as to what should take priority in their lives. Money doesn’t mean much to a child.
When work takes over your life, no matter what you best intentions are, if your vision isn’t understand and accepted by your family and they aren’t 100% behind you all of the way they will learn to resent the time you spend at your desk rather than with them. They will feel abandoned, unwanted and unloved.
If you want to revolve your life around a work driven environment you must make sure that that your partner has the same all consuming driving ambition. If either one in a relationship feels that work has taken over the family life it is time to sit down and discuss what is important in to you both. Consider the issues, understand the feelings on both sides, think about the children and work out what is best for the individuals, the relationship and the family as a whole.
Catch this common marriage problem before it develops into something more serious don’t loose your family over something you probably will learn to regret, save your marriage before it’s too late.
For my recommendation on how to save your marriage, I recommend the save my marriage course. It's like marriage counseling, but not nearly as expensive. Check it out!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Jealousy In A Marriage
Jealousy in marriage is destructive, a real relationship killer and one of those common marriage problems that needs to be resolved.
In you let feelings of jealousy develop and escalate the mind will run wild, imagine the enemy around every corner, question everything your partner thinks, says and does. In worst case scenario’s unresolved and unchecked jealousy has developed beyond the end of a relationship, into a long-term vendetta and in extreme cases extended to the loss of life.
As much as we would like to deny it, most people struggle with jealous emotions at some point in their lives and, in marriage, it is a one of those common marriage problems that can develop from feelings of insecurity or neglect.
We now live in a society where marriages are often as a result of a second, a fifth or any number of relationships and are, in many cases, second or subsequent marriages. This is just society as we now know it but it can leave spouses insecure, especially when a previous partner is still around, and particularly in the case when children are involved.
People can enter into marriages with so much previous baggage that it often hard to settle into a secure, trusting environment full of self worth and self-belief.
Marital jealousy develops from numerous situations and no matter how much you try and tell yourself there is no need for concern your mind just doesn’t listen and all the while your partner continues with the behaviour that is instilling the feeling of insecurity throughout your very soul.
• Some people are natural flirts who draw the opposite sex like magnets, which, once the ring is on the finger, leaves partners totally insecure and just waiting for the moment when they are dumped for the next person that comes along. The partner who flirts often has no idea what impact their actions have on their relationship. They don’t actually believe that they are doing anything wrongs but perceive their actions to be friendly and not harmful.
• No one could ever be accused of being unnecessarily jealous in the case of infidelity beyond which, if the marriage survives (and in many instances they do), strong measures need to be put in place to enable the cheated partner come to trust their partner again and control the feeling of jealousy.
• Following the break up of a marriage children need to feel that the split isn’t as a result of anything that they have done. This leaves parents over protective, desperate to make amends for one parent environment and often at the expense of new relationships.
• Another of the common marriage problems is that husbands feel neglected when a new baby arrives no matter how much they wanted the child in the first place. A baby’s mere existence is totally life changing with more attention towards the child and a complete ‘nose dive’ in marital relations. With the bond between mother and child being that much closer it can leave fathers feeling neglected, unwanted and a total spare part.
With friends of mine the jealousy actually worked the other way with the wife feeling totally trapped after the birth of their first child and her husband spending all his time looking after the baby. She just yearned for the life they had prior to children when they enjoyed a good social life and spent all their free time together.
• Too much time at work can leave your partner feeling very insecure, especially when your hours at work increase and you spend less and less time at home for the sake of your family but if we think about it is it really for the sake of the family…..
People get fixated on their goals and have no concept on how this is perceived or how it impacts on their relationship and their family life.
Without the 100% backing of both parties, long hours and continuous travel can prove to be a real relationship killer and, if left unchecked, one of those common marriage problems from which there is no return.
The list is endless and jealousy in and of itself is not a bad thing, it’s strong indication that you really care. The main thing we need to remember is not to let the jealousy consume, arouse fury and become destructive.
If you are suffering from feelings of jealousy look at the cause, question your feelings and determine whether they have any foundation. Is your partner actually doing anything wrong, have they really done anything to drive your jealous emotions or have you just let your emotions spiral out of control.
If the fault is on your side, learning to recognise the fact is the first step towards controlling such an emotional and destructive thought process. It allows you to discuss your fears with your partner, explain how you feel and seek there help in enabling you to over come your jealous emotions, strengthen your marriage and build a more solid foundation for the future.
Communication is the foundation to marital success. If you can learn to communicate then you can express your emotions in a non-confrontational, non-accusatory, understanding and supportive environment.
Don’t just blurt your fears out such as ‘I think you are having an affair’ it might not be true and it will just add fuel to the fire. Explain that something seems to have changed in your relationship, explain what has changed and what makes you think your marriage is different, don’t blame, don’t get emotional just explain to your spouse what is going through your head and seek their help in trying to sort it out.
One of the most common marriage problems is expecting our partners to always know what we want and how we feel. But even with a ring on our finger we aren’t always mind readers, if we haven’t communicated our feelings and our partner doesn’t know they have, in our eyes, done something wrong, how do we expect them to do anything about it!
Tell them now, save your marriage before its too late. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose. Even if the answer isn’t what you want to hear knowledge is power and with knowledge comes the ability to turn your life around.
For my recommendation on how to save your marriage, I recommend the save my marriage course. It's like marriage counseling, but not as expensive.
In you let feelings of jealousy develop and escalate the mind will run wild, imagine the enemy around every corner, question everything your partner thinks, says and does. In worst case scenario’s unresolved and unchecked jealousy has developed beyond the end of a relationship, into a long-term vendetta and in extreme cases extended to the loss of life.
As much as we would like to deny it, most people struggle with jealous emotions at some point in their lives and, in marriage, it is a one of those common marriage problems that can develop from feelings of insecurity or neglect.
We now live in a society where marriages are often as a result of a second, a fifth or any number of relationships and are, in many cases, second or subsequent marriages. This is just society as we now know it but it can leave spouses insecure, especially when a previous partner is still around, and particularly in the case when children are involved.
People can enter into marriages with so much previous baggage that it often hard to settle into a secure, trusting environment full of self worth and self-belief.
Marital jealousy develops from numerous situations and no matter how much you try and tell yourself there is no need for concern your mind just doesn’t listen and all the while your partner continues with the behaviour that is instilling the feeling of insecurity throughout your very soul.
• Some people are natural flirts who draw the opposite sex like magnets, which, once the ring is on the finger, leaves partners totally insecure and just waiting for the moment when they are dumped for the next person that comes along. The partner who flirts often has no idea what impact their actions have on their relationship. They don’t actually believe that they are doing anything wrongs but perceive their actions to be friendly and not harmful.
• No one could ever be accused of being unnecessarily jealous in the case of infidelity beyond which, if the marriage survives (and in many instances they do), strong measures need to be put in place to enable the cheated partner come to trust their partner again and control the feeling of jealousy.
• Following the break up of a marriage children need to feel that the split isn’t as a result of anything that they have done. This leaves parents over protective, desperate to make amends for one parent environment and often at the expense of new relationships.
• Another of the common marriage problems is that husbands feel neglected when a new baby arrives no matter how much they wanted the child in the first place. A baby’s mere existence is totally life changing with more attention towards the child and a complete ‘nose dive’ in marital relations. With the bond between mother and child being that much closer it can leave fathers feeling neglected, unwanted and a total spare part.
With friends of mine the jealousy actually worked the other way with the wife feeling totally trapped after the birth of their first child and her husband spending all his time looking after the baby. She just yearned for the life they had prior to children when they enjoyed a good social life and spent all their free time together.
• Too much time at work can leave your partner feeling very insecure, especially when your hours at work increase and you spend less and less time at home for the sake of your family but if we think about it is it really for the sake of the family…..
People get fixated on their goals and have no concept on how this is perceived or how it impacts on their relationship and their family life.
Without the 100% backing of both parties, long hours and continuous travel can prove to be a real relationship killer and, if left unchecked, one of those common marriage problems from which there is no return.
The list is endless and jealousy in and of itself is not a bad thing, it’s strong indication that you really care. The main thing we need to remember is not to let the jealousy consume, arouse fury and become destructive.
If you are suffering from feelings of jealousy look at the cause, question your feelings and determine whether they have any foundation. Is your partner actually doing anything wrong, have they really done anything to drive your jealous emotions or have you just let your emotions spiral out of control.
If the fault is on your side, learning to recognise the fact is the first step towards controlling such an emotional and destructive thought process. It allows you to discuss your fears with your partner, explain how you feel and seek there help in enabling you to over come your jealous emotions, strengthen your marriage and build a more solid foundation for the future.
Communication is the foundation to marital success. If you can learn to communicate then you can express your emotions in a non-confrontational, non-accusatory, understanding and supportive environment.
Don’t just blurt your fears out such as ‘I think you are having an affair’ it might not be true and it will just add fuel to the fire. Explain that something seems to have changed in your relationship, explain what has changed and what makes you think your marriage is different, don’t blame, don’t get emotional just explain to your spouse what is going through your head and seek their help in trying to sort it out.
One of the most common marriage problems is expecting our partners to always know what we want and how we feel. But even with a ring on our finger we aren’t always mind readers, if we haven’t communicated our feelings and our partner doesn’t know they have, in our eyes, done something wrong, how do we expect them to do anything about it!
Tell them now, save your marriage before its too late. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose. Even if the answer isn’t what you want to hear knowledge is power and with knowledge comes the ability to turn your life around.
For my recommendation on how to save your marriage, I recommend the save my marriage course. It's like marriage counseling, but not as expensive.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Can You Save Your Marriage?
How to save your marriage is not exactly the same for one person as it is the next. It's true that in most cases a marriage can be improved with a few simple steps, but the amount of improvement varies from marriage to marriage-check out these tips to help get your back on track...
How To Save Your Marriage 1
You need to get the communication back. Communication is usually one of the first things that dries up in a problematic marriage, and that in itself leads to a lot of other problems. To help you both communicate more effectively set aside a certain amount of time each day to share with each other. During that time, talk over your days and ask questions of each other. Find out what it is that made you want to communicate with each other to begin with. After a few days of doing this you should find your communication skills are beginning to come back for each other.
How To Save Your Marriage 2
Spend some quality time together. It's a little bit of a cliché, but a nice trip or a few days spent outside your usual relationship area can do wonders for you both. Even better, if you can make trips or activities like this a habit, as it will help you learn how to interact with each other in a fun and loving fashion again. These days it's all too easy to let our communications boil down to the bear minimum, so try not to let this happen.
How To Save Your Marriage 3
Brush up on your listening skills. Sometimes when you get to know someone so well, it's almost as if you feel you no longer need to engage them or listen to them in conversation. If you can become a better listener you can prove to your partner that you are engaged in their life and that you respect their opinions. Is there anyone that doesn't want that? Simply by starting and actively participating in conversations with them you will be strengthening your bond, and you'll notice your partner is more interested in you too.
How To Save Your Marriage 4
Don't let the finance ruin the romance. Life can be very tough when money is an issue in a marriage. Financial problems are often ongoing and unlikely to be solved in short order, so it's a great idea to develop a set of rules for you both. If you both abide to a pre-conceived idea about how you will take care of the finances, the problems and arguments should be minimized.
How To Save Your Marriage 5
Make it fun. A marriage should be in place due to the amount of fun you have had with each other at some point. If you've removed the fun and replaced it with the mundanity of everyday life, how can you possibly expect the marriage to survive? It's an excellent idea to have some activities or hobbies to get involved with together-these can very easily become “your” way to spend time and have fun with each other.
As you've seen, the answer to the question “how to save a marriage?” varies widely from relationship to relationship, but hopefully you will find something of use in this article. Check out the link below for some great marriage advice. It's like marriage counseling, but not as expensive.
Save my marriage
How To Save Your Marriage 1
You need to get the communication back. Communication is usually one of the first things that dries up in a problematic marriage, and that in itself leads to a lot of other problems. To help you both communicate more effectively set aside a certain amount of time each day to share with each other. During that time, talk over your days and ask questions of each other. Find out what it is that made you want to communicate with each other to begin with. After a few days of doing this you should find your communication skills are beginning to come back for each other.
How To Save Your Marriage 2
Spend some quality time together. It's a little bit of a cliché, but a nice trip or a few days spent outside your usual relationship area can do wonders for you both. Even better, if you can make trips or activities like this a habit, as it will help you learn how to interact with each other in a fun and loving fashion again. These days it's all too easy to let our communications boil down to the bear minimum, so try not to let this happen.
How To Save Your Marriage 3
Brush up on your listening skills. Sometimes when you get to know someone so well, it's almost as if you feel you no longer need to engage them or listen to them in conversation. If you can become a better listener you can prove to your partner that you are engaged in their life and that you respect their opinions. Is there anyone that doesn't want that? Simply by starting and actively participating in conversations with them you will be strengthening your bond, and you'll notice your partner is more interested in you too.
How To Save Your Marriage 4
Don't let the finance ruin the romance. Life can be very tough when money is an issue in a marriage. Financial problems are often ongoing and unlikely to be solved in short order, so it's a great idea to develop a set of rules for you both. If you both abide to a pre-conceived idea about how you will take care of the finances, the problems and arguments should be minimized.
How To Save Your Marriage 5
Make it fun. A marriage should be in place due to the amount of fun you have had with each other at some point. If you've removed the fun and replaced it with the mundanity of everyday life, how can you possibly expect the marriage to survive? It's an excellent idea to have some activities or hobbies to get involved with together-these can very easily become “your” way to spend time and have fun with each other.
As you've seen, the answer to the question “how to save a marriage?” varies widely from relationship to relationship, but hopefully you will find something of use in this article. Check out the link below for some great marriage advice. It's like marriage counseling, but not as expensive.
Save my marriage
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