Marriage Counseling - Seven Tips To Live Longer

We have all heard the stories; the executive retires in Spring and dies before the first Winter snowfall. While some may conclude that the former exec just couldn’t adjust to retirement, it is more likely that they burned themselves out working. That is, years of shortchanging their own personal well-being finally caught up with them.

It is so easy to get trapped on the treadmill of demanding schedules and too many priorities using caffeinated energy to get things done. It is often self-care that gets put on the shelf first because there just isn’t time to exercise and eat right. Yet, there is increasing research that even small lifestyle changes can be a major factor in a long healthy life.

Some suggestions:

• Keep a long fuse. Scientists use to believe that “Type A’s,” those people driven by ambition, were most at risk for heart attacks. But recent research demonstrates that it is not striving for goals that have people dropping like flies; it is being hostile, angry and cynical. A hostile disposition is also dangerous once cardiovascular disease sets in. Dr. Murray Mittleman, a cardiovascular epidemiologist at the Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston, interviewed 1623 men and women who had heart attacks. He found that the risk of having an attack was twice as great in those that were angry in the two hours before the incident.

• Lighten up. There is increasing evidence linking depression to heart disease. Johns Hopkins researchers interviewed 1551 people in the early 1980’s who were free of heart disease. They followed up fourteen years later and found that those who reported a history of a major depression were four times as likely to have a heart attack as those not depressed.

• Get off the couch. Not only for weight control, better circulation, reduced risk of diabetes, but exercise actually works as an anti-depressant. In a recent study at Duke University, 60 % of clinically depressed people who took a brisk 30-minute walk at least three times per week were no longer depressed after 16 weeks. Increasingly psychiatrists are finding that exercise can often work as well as anti-depressants for the mildly depressed individual.

• Flatten the middle. It’s been more than 50 years since French scientist Jean Vague noted that people with a lot of upper-body fat (those that look like apples, rather than pears), often developed heart disease, diabetes and other ailments. Since the introduction of CT and MRI scans, Drs. have discovered that a visceral fat, located within the abdomen was strongly linked to these diseases. The good news is that this type of fat also burns off the fastest. This is why even a small reduction in weight can reverse the deadly factors of heart disease.

• Limit bad habits. Heavy drinking, smoking, overeating, and overcaffeinating are major factors in the development of heart disease and other problems. It has been found that both drinking and smoking tend to increase the abdominal fat that puts folks at risk for heart disease. Excessive caffeine increased blood pressure to dangerous levels for people experiencing job stress.

• Fire up your metabolism. New research shows that a healthy metabolic profile counts far more than cardiovascular fitness or weight alone. In a Japanese study, a group of men were put on a low-intensity exercise program for one year. Although they did not lose weight, nor improve their cardiovascular fitness, their metabolic health improved dramatically (measured by how well the body utilizes insulin). States Glenn A. Glaesser of the University of Virginia, “Metabolic fitness is one of the best safeguards against heart disease, stroke and diabetes.”

• Approach sleep like Goldilocks—Just right. In a recent study of 72,000 nurses published in the January Archives of Internal Medicine, researchers found that getting too little sleep—or too much—may raise the risk of developing heart disease. Women who averaged five hours or less of sleep a night were 39% more likely to develop heart disease than those that got eight hours. And nine or more hours of shuteye was associated with a 37% higher risk of heart disease.

Your best investment for the future is in your health today.

Marriage Counseling - How Is The Health Of Your Relationship?

The best relationships are friendships that catch fire. How well do you know your partner and their view of the world? Answer the following questions to find out.

1. I understand my partner’s philosophies about life.
Yes No

2. I consider my partner to be my very best friend.
Yes No

3. We often touch and kiss for no particular reason.
Yes No

4. I call my partner several times a day.
Yes No

5. I understand my partner’s dreams for the future.
Yes No

6. We find our sex life is fun and satisfying.
Yes No

7. We touch base everyday about how our day is going.
Yes No

8. If I have a problem, I talk with my partner.
Yes No

9. We have scheduled activities that we look forward to.
Yes No

10. We have similar values and goals.
Yes No

11. I think that my partner has high integrity.
Yes No

12. I can’t wait to get home at the end of the day.
Yes No

13. We have favorite traditions for many of the holidays.
Yes No

14. I feel that my partner respects me.
Yes No

15. We enjoy many of the same activities.
Yes No

16. My partner understands my family.
Yes No

17. My partner makes me laugh.
Yes No

How many “Yes” answers did you have?

15 or more: You have a strong relationship built on friendship.

9-14: You have a good base but additional work will enhance your relationship. This is a good time to utilize additional tools.

8 or fewer: Get busy or you and your partner risk drifting apart.


If you scored an 8 or below, check out my recommendation on how to save your marriage. I recommend the save my marriage course. It's like marriage counseling, but not as expensive.

Marriage Counseling - Are You A Workaholic?

Justin, a thirty-five year old executive at a high-pressure investment firm works 60-70 hours per week. Even on vacation, he often slips away from the rest of the family to go on-line, check messages and answer phone calls. Until recently, he saw nothing abnormal about his behavior; in fact, everyone at his job works like that.

In the United States, we value work. Americans labor longer hours than workers in any other industrialized nation. In fact, in Western Europe, Americans are viewed as a “nation of workaholics.”

According to a 1998 study by the Families and Work Institute in New York, the average American now works 44 hours of work per week, which represents an increase of 3.5 hours since 1977. This is far more than the workers in France (39 hours per week) and Germany (40). According to a new report from the United Nations International Labor Organization (ILO), “Workers in the United States are putting in more hours than anyone else in the industrialized world.”

The ILO statistics show that in 2000, the average American worked almost one
more week of work than the year before; working an average of 1,978 hours – up from 1,942 hours in 1990. Americans now work longer hours than Canadian, Japanese, or Australian workers.

What are we working for? It’s not vacations. The typical American worker has an average of two weeks of vacation as compared to four - six weeks for their European counterparts.

For happiness? According to regular surveys by the National Opinion Research Center of the University of Chicago, no more Americans report they are “very happy” now than in 1957, despite near doubling in personal consumption expenditures. Indeed, the world’s people have consumed as many goods and services since 1950 as all previous generations put together, yet report that they are not any happier.

There are many costs in working so hard. People tend to cut back on sleep and time with their families. A recent survey found that almost a third of people working more than 48 hours a week said that exhaustion was affecting married life. Nearly a third admitted that work-related tiredness was causing their sex life to suffer, and 14% reported a loss of or reduced sex drive. They also complained that long hours and overwork led to arguments and tensions at home. Two out of five people working more than 48 hours a week blamed long hours for disagreements and said they felt guilty at not pulling their weight with domestic chores.

So how do you know if your job has turned into workaholic habits? Here are some of the warning signs:

*Your home is organized just like another office.
*Colleagues describe you as hard working, needing to win, and overly committed.
*You keep “technology tethers” like cell phones, pagers and laptops with you all times, even on vacations.
*Friends either don’t call anymore, or you quickly get off the phone when they do call.
*Sleep seems like a waste of time.
*Work problems circle in your mind, even during time off.
*Work makes you happier than any other aspect of your life.
*People who love you complain about the hours you work and beg you to take some time off.

If you experience some of these warning signs on a regular basis, it may be time to
re-evaluate how you are handling work in your life. A healthy marriage takes time and commitment. Don't be so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.

~~~~~
For my recommendation on how to save your marriage, I recommend the save my marriage course. It's like marriage counseling, but not as expensive.

How To Avoid Work Stress Hurting Your Marriage

Work stress plays a very major role in hurting married life. Most of the men and women bring their stress home and play havoc with their married life. The stress spills over at home and creates further stress. Home should be used to dissolve the work stress. Home should be the place to relax and get comfort. Home should be the place where we get rid of the stress that we bring from outside. But opposite happens. Let us discuss how to avoid this and keep our home protected from any such stresses. Let us also discuss how home can help us fight these stresses.

The very first question should be - What is more important? Married life or work life? New work /job can be found, but getting another person to marry will be difficult. What about after retirement? Who will be with us- our spouse or our company? We never think about these issues. For us the stress at that moment is the center of our life. Our mind is occupied with that stress. Therefore when we reach home, we are ready to speak harshly, blame family members, showing irritation and express our frustration in many other ways.

Ideally, when we reach home, we should tell our spouse about the stress and ask help to get over it. He/she will find ways to comfort us. Prepare a comforting hot bath, putting on light music or your favorite television show. We should make our family a partner in our stress and not blame them for contributing to our work woes, because that is generally not the truth. A marriage can be a great cure for stressed life. It is not the place where you go and put all your blames. Bringing balance in life is most important. Make your marriage work for you. Don’t let your work damage your marriage.

For my recommendation on how to save your marriage, I recommend the save my marriage course. It's like marriage counseling, but not as expensive.

Marriage, Caring For Each Other

If you thought that a marriage could succeed on love alone, please rethink. Love is transitory. The mutual attraction or the infatuation that comes in the initial phase of love disappears soon. After that what is left is the feeling that he/she is mine and I am his/hers. We have to journey together.

How a marriage changes in character after love disappears? This can occur in many ways. For example, the couple may begin regretting the marriage after the finishing of initial love phase. Or the couple may continue together as a sense of duty with each other and begin making a life together without passionate love. That needs caring for each other.

If you look back and think of marriages few decades back, most of the couples cared for each other. They called it love. It was essentially caring. A mother cares for her children because they are her responsibility and they belong to her. Similarly, partners care for each other because they got married. This kind of thought process can take the marriage last forever. The different thought processes of I want my freedom. I made a mistake. I am not happy with you. I must search for somebody better and so on leads to break-up. This thought process is I centered, where as the earlier one I described was care centered. You are mine and I must care for you.

We have to learn to respect human beings. We have to set aside our selfish desires for some time. We have to think about destruction that takes place by frequent marriage and divorce. Developing the thought of care for each other can surely help in making a marriage last longer.

Are You Facing Emotional Abuse In Your Marriage?

Those who have control and power can inflict emotional abuse. It is as bad as physical abuse. Some people call emotional abuse as worse than physical abuse. Let us discuss about emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse may leave deep scars on the psyche. In emotional abuse the perpetrator withholds all the emotional satisfaction from the victim. The self-dignity of the victim is bruised repeatedly and he/she is shown as a lesser person. Emotional abuse can take many forms. Devaluing the person is one such abuse. Giving no value to a person's intelligence and opinion, and repeatedly questioning his/her intelligence is one such abuse.

Public humiliation of a person is another kind of this abuse. To make someone feel inferior and laugh at him/her and make others join the fun is another form of emotional abuse. Feeling of safety is our emotional need. to make a person feel unsafe is another way of victimization. Threatening to leave that person alone without any help and terrorizing him/her is one such form.

Taking away financial freedom, making the person totally dependent on the abuser is another common abuse. Lack of money can stop the victim from enjoying some pleasures. Some abusers even withdraw the use of communication instruments such as telephone etc from the victim.

Emotional abuse can take many other such forms. these abusers are sadists who enjoy degrading a human being and destroying their emotional freedom. This is a crime against humanity. If you are undergoing the slightest emotional; abuse, please protest and protect yourself.

Making Marriage Work - Part 5

In Part 1 of this series, I described the fears of rejection and engulfment that underlie relationship problems.

In Part 2 of this 5-part series, I offered a simplified version of the Six Step healing process of Inner Bonding:
1. Willingness
2. Choose the intent to learn
3. Dialogue with the feelings
4. Dialogue with your Higher Power
5. Take loving action
6. Evaluate the action.

Part 2 described what it means to be in Step One – what it means to be willing to feel your feelings and take responsibility for them, rather than turn to protective, controlling behavior.

Part 3 described what it means to be in Step Two - choosing the intent to learn - using Joan’s and Justin’s marriage as an example.

Part 4 described how Joan used Steps 3 and 4 of Inner Bonding to deal with the issues in her marriage, discovering her beliefs and behavior that were causing her pain, and discovering the truth and loving action.

Now Joan moves into Step 5 – taking the loving action. She stops nagging Justin and starts taking care of her self. Instead of always waiting for Justin to come home, she makes plans to have dinner with a few of her girlfriends. When she comes back from dinner, she is happy to see Justin and he is happy to see her. He is especially happy to see that she is happy rather than angry with him.

Joan signs up for a dance class and gets back in practicing the piano. On those evenings when she has nothing planned, she gets into reading her mystery novels, which she loves. She stops telling herself that Justin doesn’t love her when he works a lot.

As Joan takes these loving actions in her own behalf, she moves into Step 6 of Inner Bonding - tuning in to how she is feeling. She notices that she is no longer feeling anxious, alone, and resentful. Instead, she is feeling happy and peaceful – regardless of whether or not Justin is there!

Much to Joan’s surprise, she finds that Justin is no longer working such long hours. She sees that what her Guidance told her is true – that Justin does love her and wants to be with her, but not when she is needy and resentful. By taking care of herself, Joan has completely changed the relationship dynamic between her and Justin – without ever even speaking with Justin about it! By taking care of herself instead of making Justin responsible for her happiness and sense of worth, her fear of rejection is well on the road to being healed. As long as she was rejecting herself, she would be reactive to Justin not being there. In no longer abandoning herself, she no longer feels abandoned by Justin.

While Justin has not done the inner work to heal his fears of rejection and engulfment – which he may or may not do – his fears have lessoned due to Joan’s loving behavior toward herself and toward him. Because his fears are no longer getting triggered by Joan, he wants to spend more time with her. In order for his fears to be healed, he would need to learn how to take loving care of himself in the face of another’s anger and criticism. If he learned to practice the Inner Bonding process, he could learn how to do this, but Joan has no control over whether or not he chooses to do his inner work. As long as Joan continues to take loving care of herself, she can create her own happiness within her marriage, and not be invested in whether or not Justin opens to learning about himself.

If Justin had continued to work long hours and showed no interest in having a closer relationship with Joan, then at some point Joan might have decided to leave the relationship. But most people leave far too soon. The time to leave is after doing the inner work necessary to develop a strong inner adult capable of taking loving care of your self. If, after doing this for a good period of time, your partner is still angry, distant and unavailable, you might consider leaving.

Often, it takes just one partner to change a dysfunctional relationship system. Before deciding that your marriage can never be what you want it to be, try practicing the Six Steps of Inner Bonding. You might be amazed at the results!

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For my recommendation on how to save your marriage, I recommend the save my marriage course. It's like marriage counseling, but not as expensive.

Making Marriage Work - Part 4

In Part 1 of this series, I described the fears of rejection and engulfment that underlie relationship problems.

In Part 2 of this 5-part series, I offered a simplified version of the Six Step healing process of Inner Bonding:

1. Willingness
2. Choose the intent to learn
3. Dialogue with the feelings
4. Dialogue with your Higher Power
5. Take loving action
6. Evaluate the action.

Part 2 described what it means to be in Step One – what it means to be willing to feel your feelings and take responsibility for them, rather than turn to protective, controlling behavior.

Part 3 described what it means to be in Step Two - choosing the intent to learn - using Joan’s and Justin’s marriage as an example.

Part 4 continues with Joan and Justin, describing how Joan uses Steps 3 and 4 of Inner Bonding to deal with the issues in her marriage.

In Step 3 of Inner Bonding, Joan investigates her beliefs and behavior that is causing her pain. From a place within of compassion and curiosity, Joan dialogues with her feelings of anger, aloneness, fear and resentment. Imagining that she is a loving parent speaking with a hurting child, Joan asks her Inner Child questions:

Loving Adult Joan: Little Joanie, what am I thinking or doing that is causing you so much pain?

Inner Child Joanie: You keep telling me that Justin doesn’t love me anymore. You are scaring me so much. Whenever Justin works a lot, you tell me that he is working because he doesn’t love me anymore - that if he loved me, he would spend more time with me. You just keep telling me that there must be something wrong with me because Justin works a lot.

Now Joan moves into Step 4 – Dialoguing with her Higher Power/Higher Self. Joan imagines her personal concept of Spirit – God, Goddess, her own Higher Self, an inner mentor or teacher, or a spiritual guide.

Joan asks her Guidance: What is the truth about the belief that if Justin works late, he doesn’t love me?

Joan relaxes and opens, moving out of her thinking mind and allowing the information to come through her from her Guidance. This Guidance is always here for us and we can access the information when we are open to learning about the truth and about loving action toward ourselves. It takes some time, but eventually Joan receives the following information:

Higher Guidance: Sometimes Justin works late because he has a lot of work to do and it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes he works late because he is afraid of your blaming and nagging. He loves you, but he doesn’t always feel loved by you, and his way of dealing with feeling unloved by you is to stay away.

One way we know what is true and what is a lie is how it makes us feel. When Joan tells herself that Justin doesn’t love her, she feels alone and afraid. When she tells herself the above truth, she feels clear and peaceful.

Joan asks her Guidance: What are the loving actions toward myself? What actions would be in my highest good?

Higher Guidance: Instead of focusing on what Justin is doing and how much time he is spending with you, focus on what would be fun for you to do when he is late. His being late gives you a chance to catch up with your friends, to read, and to do the creative things you enjoy doing. You can also take the dance class you have wanted to take. You will feel much better when you just take care of yourself instead of making Justin responsible for you. He will want to spend more time with you when he sees you happy than when you are always unhappy and complaining.

In the final section of this series, we will see what happens with Joan as she moves through Steps 5 and 6 of Inner Bonding.

~~~~~
For my recommendation on how to save your marriage, I recommend the save my marriage course. It's like marriage counseling, but not as expensive.

Making Marriage Work - Part 3

In Part 2 of this 5-part series, I offered a simplified version of the Six Step healing process of Inner Bonding:

1. Willingness
2. Choose the intent to learn
3. Dialogue with the feelings
4. Dialogue with your Higher Power
5. Take loving action
6. Evaluate the action.

Part 2 described what it means to be in Step One – what it means to be willing to feel your feelings and take responsibility for them, rather than turn to protective, controlling behavior.

We will now move on to Step Two: Choosing the intent to learn.

In Step Two, you open to learning about the your thoughts, beliefs and behavior that are causing your pain. You let go of believing that it is your partner who is causing your pain and you are willing to take full, 100% responsibility for your feelings of fear, anxiety, anger, hurt, rejection, abandonment, numbness, guilt, shame, aloneness or depression. In Step Two, you open to your Higher Self so that you can compassionately embrace your painful feelings and learn about what you may be doing to cause them.

For example, Joan feels angry, alone, rejected and abandoned because Justin spends a lot of time at work. Joan has been nagging Justin, judging him for his long hours and blaming him for her feelings. The result of this is that Justin has gotten even busier. He is obviously going into resistance, not wanting to be controlled by Joan.

Joan is using her anger and blame to avoid feeling her pain. She is addicted to having her eyes on Justin and making him responsible for her feelings. When he spends time with her, she feels happy and worthy, and when he doesn’t she feels anxious and insecure.

If Joan were to practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding, she would start with Step One - welcoming and compassionately embracing her anger, aloneness, fear and resentment. She would be with these feelings just as a loving parent would be with a hurting child – with deep kindness and compassion toward herself.

Then, instead of going into her usual protective, controlling behavior of blaming Justin for her feelings with her anger, nagging and complaining, she would move to Step Two, opening her heart to learning about what she might be telling herself and how she might be treating herself that is actually causing her own pain. She would open to her older, wiser inner self, her Higher Self, to help her stay open to learning. She would choose to be curious about her own beliefs and behavior, rather than judgmental toward Justin or herself.

When Joan moves into Step Two, she is moving out of being a victim and into personal responsibility. This intent shift will immediately begin to change the interactions between Joan and Justin. When Joan shifts her intention from trying to control Justin with her anger, blame and complaints to learning about herself, her energy will completely shift. Justin will actually feel this energy shift, even if he is not in the same room as Joan. Energy is not local. We all unconsciously pick up when others are angry with us and when they are accepting and loving.

This intention shift is vital for healing a troubled relationship. As long as your eyes are on your partner and you are trying to get your partner to change to make you feel better, you will continue to have a dysfunctional relationship. At those times when you are willing to feeling your feelings and open to learning about how you are causing them, you will notice that your relationship quickly improves.

The shift out of trying to control your partner and into learning about loving yourself is one of the most major shifts you can make in your relationship.

In Parts 4 and 5, I will continue through the Six Steps of Inner Bonding, showing you how Joan uses these powerful Steps to heal her relationship with Justin.

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For my recommendation on how to save your marriage, I recommend the save my marriage course. It's like marriage counseling, but not as expensive.

Making Marriage Work - Part 2

(This is part 2 of a 5-part series on making marriage work)

Are you in a long-term relationship where you are either fighting a lot of the time or feeling distant, disconnected, and without passion? Or, do you find yourselves going along fine until a conflict arises, and then you can’t seem to find way to resolve it? Do you either try to win by getting angry and defensive, or give in to avoid the other’s anger and defensiveness? Do you find yourself shut down, numbed out, or resistant much of the time? Do you and your partner love each other, but resentment is building because of all the unresolved conflicts and communication problems?

Relationship issues occur when the dual fears of loss of another’s love (rejection) and loss of self (engulfment) have been triggered. Each of us has learned protective ways of trying to have control over getting the love we need and avoiding the pain we believe we can’t handle. As soon as one of these fears is triggered, we automatically go into our learned ways of protecting against pain and trying to control the other person into being the way we want them to be. When we get angry, give in, withdraw or resist, this protective, controlling behavior often activates our partner’s protective controlling behavior. The interactions that follow may be filled with anger, blame, judgment, defensiveness, explaining, denying, withdrawal and resistance. Love does not flourish in the face of these difficult interactions.

In this series, I will show you how the 6-Step process of Inner Bonding can be used to completely change your relationship.

A simplified version of The Six Steps are:

1. Willingness
2. Choose the intent to learn
3. Dialogue with the feelings
4. Dialogue with your Higher Power
5. Take loving action
6. Evaluate the action.

We will start with Step One of Inner Bonding: Willingness. In Step One, you choose to be willing to feel your feelings and take responsibility for them, rather than turn to protective, controlling, addictive behavior.

You cannot change your automatic reactive behaviors until you become aware of the feelings of fear that trigger them.

What do you feel in your body when someone gets angry, blaming, or judgmental toward you?

What do you feel in your body when someone shuts down, withdraws, or becomes resistant toward you?

Take a moment to tune into your body and see what it feels like when your fears of rejection or engulfment become triggered. What happens in your stomach, your throat, your heart, your arms and legs? Does your body fill with adrenaline and go into the fight or flight reaction – the stress response?

You cannot begin to react differently when your fears of rejection or engulfment are triggered until you know that fear is being activated. You will unconsciously continue to respond with your learned protections until you become conscious of what you are protecting against.

We have all learned many ways of avoiding feeling and being conscious of our feelings. All addictive behavior – substance abuse, process addictions, reactive behavior toward others, and judgmental thoughts toward ourselves – are ways of avoiding feeling the deep loneliness, as well as helplessness over the other person’s behavior and feelings, that is at the core of all addictive behaviors. When your partner behaves in some rejecting or controlling way toward you, this deep loneliness and helplessness is activated. But these are such difficult feelings to feel that most of us will turn to our learned addictive behaviors to avoid them. We will either try to have control over the other person by getting angry, judgmental or giving in, or we will try to control the pain of the loneliness with substance and process addictions.

The only way out of this is to be willing to feel the very challenging feelings of loneliness and helplessness over others and learn to manage these feelings rather than avoid them. If you were to learn to accept and manage these feelings rather than turn to your learned protective controlling behaviors, you would begin to change the dysfunctional relationship system that may be eroding your marriage.

The Six-Step Inner Bonding process is a process for moving out of your automatic reactive behavior and into kindness and compassion toward yourself and your partner. The remaining articles in this series will show you how to do this.

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For my recommendation on how to save your marriage, I recommend the save my marriage course. It's like marriage counseling, but not as expensive.

Making Marriage Work - Part 1

(This is part 1 of a 5-part series on making marriage work)

It was Joan’s first counseling session with me, but it didn’t take long before the tears began to stream down her cheeks. “I’m married to the man of my dreams, but I’m miserable,” she said, reaching a hand up to wipe away her tears. “We were so in love and now things are falling apart. We are fighting and distant much of the time. I love Justin and I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t know why this is happening. I seem to be getting angrier and angrier and he is getting more and more distant.”

“What are you angry about?” I inquired.

“Justin keeps pulling away from me. He’s working longer and longer hours. But even on the weekends when he is home, he just seems to be distant. He’s either watching TV, playing computer games, or in the garage working in his workshop. When I try to talk with him about it, he shuts down even more. We can’t talk at all anymore.”

Like Joan and Justin, many couples are stuck in a dysfunctional relationship system, wondering what happened to the love and passion they had at the beginning of their relationship.

Two major fears may be undermining your relationship with your partner:

Fear of rejection: the loss of another’s love through anger, judgment, emotional withdrawal, physical withdrawal, or death.

Fear of engulfment: the loss of self through being controlled, consumed, invaded, suffocated, dominated, and swallowed up by another’s demands.

Until these fears are healed, you will likely react defensively whenever they are triggered. Joan reacted by getting angry when her fears of rejection were activated, while Justin withdrew when his fears of engulfment were triggered. You might react in different defensive ways, but the result will be the same - your reactive behavior coming from your fears of rejection or engulfment will trigger your partner’s fears of rejection or engulfment. Now both of you are acting out of fear. Together you have created an unsafe space where love and intimacy will gradually erode.

Most of us have not learned to stay open when our fears of being rejected, abandoned, engulfed, or controlled are triggered. If, when these fears are activated, you focus on who is at fault or who started it, you perpetuate the problems. Blaming your partner for your fears, as well as for your own reactive, unloving behavior, makes the relationship feel unsafe.

You both end up feeling badly, each believing that your pain is the result of your partner’s behavior. You feel victimized, helpless, stuck, and disconnected from your partner. You desperately want your partner to see what he or she is doing that (you think) is causing your pain. You think that if your partner only understands this, he or she will change - and you exhaust yourself trying to figure out how to MAKE your partner understand.

Over time, passion dries up. Superficiality, boredom, fighting, and apathy take its place.

The dual fears of LOSING THE OTHER through rejection and LOSING YOURSELF through being swallowed up by the other are the underlying cause of unloving, reactive behavior. These fears are deeply rooted. They cannot be healed or overcome by GETTING someone else’s love. On the contrary, you must heal these fears before you can SHARE love - give and receive love - with your partner.

The key to doing this is learning how to create a safe inner space where you can work with and overcome your fears of rejection and engulfment. In this series, I will show you a powerful six-step process you can use to create and maintain the inner safety you need to become strong enough to love.

Only when you have achieved inner safety and inner strength can you create a safe relationship space. Joan gradually learned to stop attacking Justin and take loving care of herself whenever her fears of rejection surfaced. She learned to create inner safety when she felt threatened rather than trying to get Justin to make her feel safe from her fears.

You can do this too. In fact, any two people who are willing to learn to create their own inner sense of safety can also learn to create a safe relationship space where their intimacy and passion will flourish and their love will endure. The rest of the articles in this series will lead you through this six-step healing process.


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For my recommendation on how to save your marriage, I recommend the save my marriage course. It's like marriage counseling, but not as expensive.

Making A Business Plan For Your Marriage

In working with companies to create business plans, I always start with a conversation about goal setting. How could you possibly create a business plan without a goal to achieve by working the plan? Clients are taught to create milestones to measure success along the way and they are held accountable for doing tasks to achieve each milestone. Tracking activities to reach the goals is critical. But before any of that can occur they have to dream.

Step One: Dream

When given the task of “goal setting” people typically start with an amount of money they’d like to earn. Sometimes they’ll have a clear idea of what they will do with that money, sometimes they just choose a dollar amount because they think they are supposed to do that.

In business there is an old story that’s been recycled for years about a graduating class from Harvard. On graduation day when the class was asked “do you have clearly written goals?” only 3% responded “yes”. Ten years later, the same group of people were assessed. The 3% that had clearly written goals were worth more than the other 97% of the class combined. Humm… I can’t think of any reasons not to set goals, just in case that story is accurate!

The key to goal setting is to be as specific as possible and create milestones to measure along the way to make sure you are on the right path working toward a longer term achievement. For example, if your goal is to earn more money, you first have to be more specific. How much money will you earn, by when will you earn it? What do you have to do to get there? Look for a new job? Ask for a raise? Sell a new account? Go back to school and finish your degree? What steps do you need to take to get to the earnings goal? Create a plan to move through each step with a timeline attached.

Step Two: Set Goals Together

Two things are important regarding goal setting as a couple. Number one, it’s fine to set individual goals, but you must share them with your spouse and make sure they fit with their goals. You both might want to earn a lot of money, but if one of you is working to earn money to send kids to college and the other is working to earn money to travel first class all over the world without kids, you both have nice dreams, but you may be out of whack as a couple.

My recommendation is to dream on your own first. It’s important that you discover what is important to you and share that with your partner. If you skip that part and go directly to step two, the more vocal or determined of the partnership will dominate the conversation and the other will go along with their goals, simply because they don’t have any other dreams to include in the master plan.

Setting goals together is an on-going activity. Check in with your partner on a consistent basis to see if their ideal dream today is the same as the plan they shared years (or months) ago.

Step Three: Create Your Dream in Pictures

It’s important to dream together in pictures. Most people on the planet are highly “visual” meaning, they think in pictures. When you are dreaming, dream big and allow your subconscious mind the opportunity to play along by creating a visual display of pictures of your dreams. The mind thinks and processes information in pictures. If you want to train your mind to deliver what you want, do it in pictures.

Why this isn’t a “no brainer” in a marital partnership I will never know. Why people are surprised to learn after years of marriage that one spouse wants to travel the world and the other dreams of spending free time visiting with family doesn’t make any sense. Dream together. Dream in pictures. Discuss your goals and plans together. If you are not on the same page, decide if it’s worth fighting for or if you want it because you think you should based on what we’ve been taught by society and the media.

Save some old magazines for an evening of cutting & pasting to create your dream in pictures. As you cut out a photo, describe to your partner why you chose that for your visual display. When you agree together on all the photos for your joint picture board you are ready to paste them onto a piece of cardboard to make a collage of dreams.

The most important part of creating the picture board of your dreams together is taping it to your refrigerator to remind each other everyday that you are working together toward a common dream. Keeping your dreams present makes it easier to stay connected to what’s important to you as a couple. Companies create business plans and hang mission statements in their lobby area to keep them focused, couples create picture boards for the fridge.

Is Your Partner Worth Saving A Marriage?

Anyone that has said marriage was easy had to be single! There is nothing easy about merging your life with another person. Several decades ago, people did not divorce because they were in circumstances in which it was simply not an option – women could not support themselves and society did not accept it, among many others. Now, however, marriages are ending left and right. If you are in a marriage that is on the rocks, it may be a good time to consider whether your partner and the life you have is worth saving a marriage. As difficult as it is to make a marriage work, it is even harder to save one that is already damaged.

In looking at saving a marriage, you should not only look at current circumstances, but also the history the two of you share together. How did you meet? What was it that made you fall in love? Were you ever really in love? At some point, you should consider the good times instead of only dwelling on the bad. If you and your spouse are experiencing a bad time, it is easy to block out that good times ever existed. However, you should be fair to yourself and your partner.

Then, it is time to look at the bad times. Did either of you cheat? Are there other major issues that have occurred between you that one of you has a hard time dealing with? Sometimes these major issues get buried over time, but the resentment remains and it eats away at the relationship. Do you find yourself being mad at your spouse over little things or for no reason at all? If this is the case, you should really look at the underlying issues you have.

At some point, you should close your eyes and picture what the perfect spouse would be. Not Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, but the real characteristics you would like to have in your spouse. Then you should step back and see how your spouse measures up. You should be very careful to be realistic in this exercise. If you have unrealistic expectations, you will never be happy with anyone. However, if the essential core of your spouse is deficient, you may be selling yourself short by staying.

Although saving a marriage is difficult, you should not rush off and get a divorce. You should, however, try to be fair to you and your spouse and choose to both try wholeheartedly or to let go completely.

For my recommendation on how to save your marriage, I recommend the save my marriage course. It's like marriage counseling, but not as expensive.

Marriage Was A Business?

If your marriage were a business, would your spouse be looking for another job?

Our most important and intimate relationships often don’t receive the attention, time and training that we give our business relationships. Here are two secrets from the business world to apply to your personal relationships.

1. Know Your Customer

To grow a business, it is critical to understand your customers and prospects.

People communicate in different ways. Some people are highly visual and the way they process information and express themselves is in visual ways. For example, a visual person would describe their spouse using descriptive words like: 6 feet tall, brown hair, blue eyes, handsome, etc.

Auditory people take in their world by evaluating what they hear. They would describe their spouse in this way: “She compliments me and says the sweetest things”, “He has a deep voice and sings out loud.”

Kinesthetic people typically rely on how they feel and they learn by experience. They would describe their spouse in this way: “I get butterflies when she’s around”, “She holds my hand”, “He’s cuddly & warm”, “I feel safe and comfortable in his arms.”

Each of us has all three of these traits in us, though one tends to dominate. To discover which one your partner is, listen to the words they choose, then you can “speak” their language.

Before my husband discovered I was visual, he would get frustrated with me because he would explain things over and over and I just didn’t get it. I kept saying, “I don’t SEE it. I can’t PICTURE it.” Now, when he wants me to understand something, like our finances, he gets out a sheet of paper and draws a graph. Ahhh…

Your life partner is your biggest customer. Don’t risk losing your biggest account by taking your communication for granted. Save yourself hassle and heartache by paying attention to how your partner communicates… and make an effort to communicate in a way that is most natural to your partner.

2. Ask for the order. Ask the tough questions.

In business, once you’ve determined that your prospect is qualified to buy from you (and that your solution will solve their problem), it’s time to ask for the order.

In relationships we don’t always ask for the order. We often don’t ask the really important questions that will make the biggest difference. We ask her if she’d like Chinese or Italian food for dinner. We ask him if we should stay home or go out. But do we ask our partner how they would know they are loved?

Remember the Neil Diamond/ Barbara Streisand song, “You don’t bring me flowers; you don’t sing me love songs”? They sang about two people with two different strategies for knowing the other loved them. One person used to bring flowers and the other used to sing love songs. They both stopped, when life got busy with responsibilities. Now what they notice is that the other person doesn’t do what they used to do to show their partner love.

When my husband and I were dating and he’d go on a trip, I would slip love notes in his luggage. After a few years, the travel notes stopped. I didn’t stop writing them because I stopped loving him; I stopped writing them because I didn’t know it was important to him.

One day I asked him, “How do you know I love you?” and he said, “When you write me little love notes.” So, I made a note in my planner to “write love notes to Dave” every few days. I created structure to support my overall strategy to make sure my husband knows he is loved every single day.

How would you know you’re loved? How would your partner know? When you find out their strategy, do it! Ask the tough questions, ask for the order.

There are many business rules that apply to our personal relationships. Knowing your customer and asking for the order are critical if a business is to be successful. If your relationship was a company, and your partner was your biggest account, would you be confident that you know how to speak their language in order to be able to ask for the order?

For my recommendation on how to save your marriage, I recommend the save my marriage course.

Would Your Mentor Help You Through It?

In sports the most successful athletes have coaches and mentors. Coaches know how and when to motivate, train, inspire and bring out the best in others. Mentors have been there and done that. While both are important, let’s focus our attention on mentors because they are widely available and most often free of charge and anxious to be of service.

Everybody feels good when someone asks them for advice. Older & wiser people have a wealth of information to share. Business leaders are anxious to share the lessons they’ve learned with people on their way to the top. Sure you can read a book about a person’s success story, but imagine having dinner every month or so with someone able and willing to share their expertise and wisdom. How could a business improve with that practice in place? How could your marriage?

Those who have made it through tough times with a strong successful marriage have something to say about how it can be accomplished. Seek these couples out in your families, neighborhoods, places of worship & work. Examples of unsuccessful partnerships are all over daytime TV. For examples of healthy, fulfilling and long lasting relationships, take a look at the people in your real life.

When you meet people who’ve been married to each other many years how they have made it work for so long. Not only is the question a great conversation starter, but you’ll learn something that you may be able to quickly incorporate into your own relationship that could make a difference and you will make them feel good about themselves at the same time!

At a dinner party thrown by my husband’s business partner, we found ourselves at a table with four couples; all were our parent’s age. Conversation was somewhat ordinary until I asked the question, “What’s your secret to being married more than 25 years?” We talked all night. They each went around the table with their special blend of advice for us “young folks”. Then they went around again with more marriage tips! We all left the party feeling great. They got to be experts on the topic of marriage. They got to feel acknowledged for their successful relationship. They got to appreciate each other all over again by sharing their personal stories. They got to pass along their advice to interested people. They got to feel good by having something to say about an important topic. Everyone was engaged in the conversation. We got to learn from their wisdom and experience.

The evening was a win-win for everyone. You are welcome to go through the experience of marriage on your own, without the wisdom of those who have done it well, but just as I wouldn’t advise a young person to make a career choice without talking to someone in the field, I don’t recommend trying to create a marriage without advise from those who are “in the field”. Successful people who have something to share on the topic of business or marriage will want to save you from the hassle and heartache of learning what they had to learn the hard way. You can do it yourself or take their advice and perhaps save your marriage.

One warning I would be remiss if I didn’t mention here… choose your mentors carefully. Any advisor, paid or volunteer, is only valuable to you if their expertise has integrity. By that I mean that I wouldn’t want a nutritionist who was 100 pounds overweight- that would lack integrity. If, at any point, you believe your mentor relationship is not supporting your goal of a happy, life-long marriage, end your mentor partnership and shop for a new one.

Creating mentors may mean seeking out specific couples and asking them formally to be your “marriage mentors”. You may meet regularly as a couple for a meal with your marriage mentors, or you may meet or talk occasionally as a need arises. There are no rules to mentor relationships, though the best plan is to structure time to connect with marriage mentors to keep that relationship strong.

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How To Improve Your Marriage

Keeping a marriage together is a task that should not be out of obligation, but should be done because of the love and respect each partner has for each other. While courtship, marriage then divorce seem to be a regular stage in a person's life, this could be totally eradicated. Being married for 3 decades or more should not be seen as triumph but a necessity. Even avoiding marriage counseling would be great!

The decision of getting married should be given multiple thinking over. Although you love a person and has deep devotion and loyalty, a lot of changes happen while inside a marriage that can change the way a person feels for one another.

The key is to keep the marriage exciting at all times. Every relationship has space for improvement. Improving your marriage is something each and every married person should strive for. If you keep your marriage from becoming predictable and monotonous you give a reason for you and your partner something to look forward to and get excited about.

Each partner should be open to changes. Learn to experiment and accept those changes. Being adventurous both in your daily activities and in the bed room will keep the relationship young. Learn to accept your partner even through his or her changes. The person you married is not the same one that he or she is now or next year and the years after. People change, and if those changes do not affect your vows try to be accepting and flexible.

Role playing can be a great idea to keep the relationship fresh. This could not be counted as cheating so do not be jealous. Although you may play games wherein you imagine the person is a different one, you still both know deep inside that it is your partner. Having an open mind can improve your marriage a whole lot.

Inter-Faith Marriages

You’ll know long before you start the wedding plans if your faiths are different from one another—so this shouldn’t be a shock. And you may have already begun how you want to deal with this. It doesn’t have to be a problem; rather, it can be a great way to create a new ceremony for the both of you.

Deciding to convert

Before deciding to convert to one religion or another, you want to take your time to discover why you’re doing it. Do you truly want to convert to another religion or do you just want to make your spouse’s family happy? This is a very honest discussion to have with your self and there aren’t any good answers, except for the ones that are true.

If you feel that converting is a good decision for you, then by all means, go ahead and take the steps needed. Many times, you’ll have to take classes and speak with the religious head well in advance of any wedding plans.

The trick is not to feel pressured into converting. And with all of the emotions attached with a wedding, some families may have trouble accepting someone of a different faith. If you believe that you want to remain the faith that you are, you should do so.

And if your spouse is trying to coax you into converting, you may want to hold off on the wedding as well. This is a very personal choice, and it needs to be made by the individual, not everyone else.

A dual faith wedding

It’s actually very easy to have a wedding that incorporates two different faiths. Sit down and see what each faith requires at the wedding and then talk about how you can compromise to make sure all is proper.

You may want to have the wedding in a non-denominational setting so that you don’t have the ‘home court advantage’ for one faith or another. You may also decide to have two different ceremonies weaving in and out of one another, combing elements of both faiths. This really shows the commitment to each other and to the separate faiths.

You may also want to have two different ministers or one denominational. That’s up to you, but if you’re a part of a temple or a church, you may need to be married by one of the parish’s priests or synagogue’s rabbis.

Finding Good Marriage Counseling

Have you ever stayed awake all nightlong thinking about whether your marriage will last or not?

Troubled marriage represents different kind of emotions. Hurt feelings are the most common but it can lead to depression, panic, paranoia, and anger. These emotions can be distracting to your goal of creating romantic love and finally bringing it all in ruins. For this part, it can take you to painful experiences you can never accept at all.

This kind of situation can make your mind go nuts thinking how can you possibly save it in due time. Marriage in trouble is very depressing thinking what went wrong. It makes you realize what is happening, although you are expecting that all is well despite some differences.

Likewise, in marriage you just knew that it’s not going to be a perfect one. You just do what you think is right but still some are not quite enough. But then you think it’s not a problem at all, because you expect in marriage that it’s a process of accepting, learning and most of all loving despite of weaknesses.

FINDING A GOOD MARRIAGE COUNSELOR

In dealing troubled marriage, you can approach marriage counselors although you better find a good one. A good marriage counselor helps couple to guide through emotional distresses, motivating the feelings and discussing some sort of tips to excite the couple. Counselors guide couples in understanding the enormous stress in facing one of their greatest crises to date. For instance, when one or both spouses become emotionally upset, a counselor must have the skill in treating emotional reactions effectively.

A good counselor must know how to calm down the couple and assuring them that it’s not a sign of hopeless incompatibility. Counselors sometimes obtain special training for many common marital problems, such as sexual differences in which this is one of the reasons why couples disintegrate- like having an affair. Also, financial conflicts can be a deciding factor in which one of the couple is not financially stable.

By finding your preferred marriage counselor, there are many ways of discovering them. You can ask from your friends but its better if some of them have been seen a counselor that has successfully guided them. Also, you can find counselors in your phone directory or yellow pages where some of their offices and contact numbers are stated.

Regardless of your source of referral, you should be certain in choosing someone who can really help you. Always remember that a counselor is who can help your relationship for you and your partner. If possible, it’s much better if your partner is an active participant in treatment sessions.

By calling counselors at their offices, you can call one clinic at a time. Ask their respective assistants to speak to the counselor you are considering by phone. When you are about to speak some questions after your introductions and purpose, you can ask these following questions:

• How many years have you been a counselor?
• What are your credentials (e.g. academic and master’s degree)?
• Do you help clients in overcoming and avoiding emotional letdowns?
• Do you help in motivating the clients to finish the program successfully?
• Do you suggest different approach in dealing solutions in any kind of marital situations?
• How much does it cost for every session or for the whole duration of the program?

You can add other relevant questions as long as the marriage counselor knows what type of marital problem you have. Finally, for choosing your preferred marriage counselor you should let him/her know that you come for help in restoring and saving love to your marriage. Because in marriage, it’s the most beautiful thing ever to happen in your life.

For my recommendation on how to save your marriage without marriage counseling, I recommend the save my marriage course. It's like marriage counseling, but not as expensive.

How To Affair Proof Your Marriage

Marriage is very rarely a match made in heaven, and often requires much more work than many people realize they are getting themselves into. Along with the journey of parenting, marriage is truly one of the bigger challenges in our lives.

Affairs are, unfortunately, one of the biggest reasons for separation and divorce these days. That is why it is a good idea to understand what you can do today to help affair-proof your marriage in the years to come. Sometimes, an affair might have already come between you and your spouse. This does not mean that you cannot take steps to keep it from happening again.

Growth is one vital element of marriage that many people take for granted. A constant sense of growth needs to be present in any marriage. If it’s not, one partner may feel like they are moving forward and their spouse is not, which often creates a wall between them. They feel as if they are worlds apart, or not on the same track as far as growth. Be sure to take time each day for growth within your relationship. Make a commitment to do one thing each day that will benefit your marriage, no matter how small it may be. Make a plan together to renegotiate your relationship if you feel you’ve gotten off track.

Communication is a key in any successful relationship. If you are having problems, turn towards your partner, not away. You absolutely cannot fix a problem inside a relationship by turning outward. Your relationship must be based on a solid, underlying friendship. Friends talk, laugh, share, and do things they’re interested in together. Don’t stop being friends just because you’re each other’s spouse.

Certain things in your marriage should be guarded like a hawk. There are things that should be held in high value in a marriage, and kept sacred.

• Time – The way you spend your time should be guarded in respect toward your marriage and family. Where are you spending your time? Ask your partner if they need more time with you. Time with your partner should be set aside and kept in high regards. Respect the time you spend with your partner.

• Mind – What occupies your mind? Is your spouse often present in your mind? Do you think good thoughts about them? Evaluate what is on your mind, and put your marriage in there if it’s not already.

• Energy – Where you are putting your energy, especially everyday, is important to your marriage. Where are you putting your energy? Is your energy invested in your marriage, your family, or in less important events in life? Evaluate your energy, and make sure that there is a reasonable balance between activity, work, marriage, and family.

Finally, set a Formula for Success. Your relationship has to meet the needs of the two people involved. Understand what your partner’s needs are so that you can meet them. Figure out what your own needs are and communicate them. If your needs are not being met, communicate and negotiate them. Don’t let resentment build.

For my recommendation on how to save your marriage, I recommend the save my marriage course. It's like marriage counseling, but not as expensive.

How Dependent Are You On The Marriage?

Marriage is the best form of companionship designed by mankind. After marriage a person is assured of at least one friend for life. Marriage gives some assurance that one will have a companion through thick and thin till the end. We cannot call our other friendships and relations so dependable. That is why marriage is important. All this was certainly true, few decades ago. Is it so even now? How far are you dependent on your marriage to derive satisfaction and peace in life?

Now let us examine some personalities. For my first example I will take a man/woman who is career oriented. For whom nothing matters other than the career and achievements in the work place. What kind of married life will such a person have? One can assume that such a person will not be very dependent upon married relationship. Such a person will not undergo an unbearable shock if marriage breaks.

Take another example of a person who has a large group of friends and socially networks very well. Attends all the functions, parties and celebrations thrown by friends. If someone is a typical social animal that thrives in a group of friends and invents reasons for gatherings, will he/she depend on the married life for happiness? Such people are not highly dependent on their married life for happiness. Their attitude is different.

On the other hand, let us take an example of a person who is introvert and likes to remain with and shares more time with family. Such a person is a devoted family person and may get devastated if separated or after the death of spouse.

All of us derive different pleasures with different relationships. Our priorities vary. Our value system varies. Because of these differences in our personalities, marriage may or may not play a very important role in every ones life.

Husbands Friends

Ask the Marriage Maven: Help! My Husband's Buddies are Butting into My Marriage

Q. My husband always wants to hang out with his “boys”. He used to hang out with them a lot before we got married, and I thought that after we got married things would change and that he’d want to spend more time with me. Wrong!

It would be different if they did something productive, but all they do is sit around watching TV, playing video games, and listening to music. None of them have wives or serious girlfriends, except my husband— so I know they talk about other women, too.

We’ve only been married a year, and I already feel like we’re slipping into an old married couple relationship. A lot of fussing--and not much good communication. I’m afraid we won’t make it past year two. What can I do to make him want to spend more time with me?

J. N.

A. It is important that you and your husband spend a good amount of time together, especially as you guys are still learning what marriage is all about. But breaking up the boys club could be disastrous to your marriage. So I would not recommend telling your husband to cut his friends off completely, unless they are encouraging him to be unfaithful to you or contributing to addictive behaviors.

I know it can be annoying if your husband seems like he’d rather spend time with his buddies instead of you, but you’ll need to give him some rope. Whatever you do, don’t nag him about his time with his friends and let it be a constant source of bickering. Be clear that you want to spend more time with him, but let your actions be positive.

Here are three positive actions you can take:

1. Encourage the boys to meet in your house. Make his friends feel welcome in your home, make snacks (if you like to cook), and give them room to do their thing.

2. Suggest regular dates with your husband. Fill his social calendar at least once or twice a week with a planned activity that you two can share together. These dates don’t have to be expensive or overly involved. They can be as simple as a walk in the park or coffee at you local coffee shop. You can initiate until he feels the need to do more of the planning.

3. Another solution would be to set his friends up. I know that it’s a little sneaky and risky, but it can work. If they’re just two or three of them, have monthly mixers (or get-togethers) in your home with them and some of your single girlfriends. Who knows, they may hit it off, thereby freeing up some of your husband’s time.

A combination of these three suggestions, will probably work best. They’ll broaden your social life and deepen your relationship with each other. I hope these ideas have been helpful. I’m wishing you all the best in your marriage!

Gods Blueprint For Saving A Marriage

"All things were created by Him and for Him...and in Him all things hold together" (Colossians 1:16b-17a). Having a successful marriage first requires you to understand what God had in mind for marriage. After all, If you want to understand the purpose behind an invention, you consult the One who invented it, right!

Since marriage is God's creation, He is in the saving marriages business. God created marriage for three very specific reasons, just like He created you, for very specific reasons. Our lives are more satisfying when we cooperate with God in fulfilling our purposes. Marriage is no exception...

First, you've probably learned that men and women were made in God's image (Gen. 1:26-27). But, did you know that within the marriage relationship husbands and wives also bear the image of God? They do this by demonstrating love and faithfulness to each other...like God does with us. You see, God covenants with His people, husbands and wives covenant to each other and God. So marriage was created to reflect God's faithfulness in the world.

The second reason God created marriage was to meet human needs. Needs for food, shelter and clothing as well as needs for love, acceptance, intimacy, and faithfulness. In that way marriage is a picture to the world of how God provides for His people.

Marriage is God's conduit for love. It was designed to be a safe harbor where a man and a woman could be totally naked and unashamed. A place where they could experience the unconditional love and acceptance of God through each other.

Third, marriage is one of the ways God expands His Kingdom and accomplishes His work in the earth. He commanded men and women to go forth and multiply, be fruitful and take dominion over the earth(Genesis 1:28).
Unfortunately, it is very difficult to do as God commanded when you are at odds with your spouse. Conflict drains our emotional and creative energies. Sadly, many husbands and wives feel like they are sleeping with the enemy instead of with their comrade in arms.

Marriage was designed with unity in mind. When a husband and wife are on the same page, so to speak, they are reflecting the unity of the Godhead. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). Unity is so important that Jesus told us it would be a great sign to the world testifying that He truly is the Son of God (John 17:23).

Okay, now you have the general idea God had in mind when He designed marriage, but saving marriage requires a plan.

First, you need to decide, once and for all, are you going to commit to honoring God through your marriage. Are you going to do it God's way? Are you going to trust His word, His plan and His design? If you answered yes, let's move on...

If you're making a plan to improve or save your marriage you need to start out on the right foot. That means getting right with God and your spouse first! To get right requires humility. It requires taking responsibility for the negative, sinful things you have contributed to your marriage without justifying yourself or blaming your spouse.

Confession of sin can be a turning point in our lives. It means we are in agreement with God about our sin and we are choosing to turn away from it. When we do this, God's word promises to give us the power to accomplish that. Some of the things you may want to consider confessing are: the ways in which you have not trusted and honored God, the ways you have not obeyed His word, the consequences of your choices to you, your spouse and your marriage.

Exercising humility is a crucial part of any saving marriages plan. Making confession of sin a regular part of your marriage will keep you humble and help to maintain emotional intimacy. Apologies go a long way in keeping our hearts pliable and loving towards our spouse and God.

The next step in the saving marriages blueprint is making a plan for knowing your spouse's most important needs. You also must become intentional about meeting those needs. Your spouse will feel more connected and in love with you when you are meeting his/her most important emotional needs.

Regular prayer is necessary for a successful marriage. Pray that God would show His love and faithfulness to your spouse through you. Prayer is how we experience the personal relationship we have with God through Christ. It is also where we avail ourselves to the grace of God. Therefore, your plan for saving marriage must include daily prayer for your spouse and your ability to love them.

A marriage that reflects God's image is a safe marriage. God is our refuge, therefore your marriage should be a refuge for both you and your spouse. A safe relationship is one where both husband and wife feel accepted even if there are disagreements. A plan for saving marriages needs to include a plan for safety. Neither spouse should ever have to worry about the proverbial nuclear bomb being dropped on them!

That's why a plan for saving marriages must address conflict. Your marriage can be free from condemnation, contempt, critical attitudes and defensiveness. It's your choice! It can be a place where you are quick to take responsibility for your own actions and slow to point your finger of blame. It is not, however, a marriage that is free from conflict. But, yours can be a marriage where both parties fight fair.

Finally, your saving marriages plan needs to include specific goals, goals that are written down. After all, God wrote down His plan...we call it the Bible! Isn't that a good enough reason for you to write down your plan for your marriage. Written goals are powerful. They help move a plan into motion.

Keep in mind, your goals need to be consistent with God's purpose for your marriage. Your goals will help you stay on track and give more purpose, meaning and direction to your marriage and family life. You may want to have goals in the following areas: Spiritual (we will study and pray together regularly), parenting (we will always be unified when disciplining the children), finances ( we will decide on a budget and stick to it), health (we will exercise regularly and eat right), communication (we will speak lovingly and respectfully to one another).

Well, that should be enough to get you started developing your own personal saving marriages plan. Remember, the Creator of marriage is in the business of saving marriages. Put your hope in the Lord for with Him is unfailing love and full redemption (Psalm 130:7).

Also, I recommend the save my marriage course. It's like marriage counseling, but not as expensive.

Online Dating

Want to get hitched? Try online dating

So, you have finally opened up to the idea of dating online and prospect for a relationship that will blossom into something fruitful, like marriage!

What we have explored up to now is the most important information you need to know. Now, lets dig a little deeper.

Here are some tips for a successful online dating experience.

Use utter special information. Of course, you should be practical in generous out special contact information. But otherwise, give out your likes and dislikes, your interests, and preferred books honestly. Members on the online service may look at your site and disappear uninterested if they see that your profile is just full of Ask Me descriptions and statements.

Okay, you might want to disappear additional information to those interested, but you have to give information on your profile that would show your best attributes.

You might want to add photographs to your profile. Some online sites have audio and videotape features where you can upload your clips. Instead of a dull profile with no movies or videotape or audio clips, why not try these features? It makes your profile personalized and interesting.

When surfing and chatting in an online singles site, you must not be rude or aggressive in your profile. duck also with swear or curse words. People are bowed off by insulting remarks.

Honesty is the best policy. Highlight the best characteristics that you have, but don't lie.

If you are actually passionate about something, say so. Do not veil the gear that you are very passionate about. If you actually like partying, say so. Pretending to be somebody you are not, won't help you get a time you like.

If it is available, try the site's voicemail services. inquiry the speech of a prospective partner is wonderful. You could sense the person's background by the way they communicate with you.

When somebody sends you an unsigned message, try to answer as quickly as you can. If you are decided in having online dates with the prospect of having fruitful relationships (and hopefully marriage), then you should be decided in replying to messages.

Be patient. You should take your time in decision the great partner, and not only in online services. It takes time for people to enlarge and have decided commitment to each other.

Always think optimistically. Keep thinking the best will happen.

If you are looking for a long-term relationship or marriage through online dating services, memorize that you should be unwearied and honest.

The next time you have questions regarding this subject, you can refer back to this article as a handy guide.

Save My Marriage Today Review

If you are considering Marriage Counseling, you first might want to look at a course called Save My Marriage Today. I recently came across this course. I decided I would do a Save My Marriage Today Review.

First thing I notice, The Save My Marriage Today course has a lot of information on how to improve the relationship between you and your spouse. There are great step-by-step exercises, discussions on how to deal with anger, five things you must pay attention too, etc. It's a really in-depth course.

Also, something else I noticed. The Save My Marriage Today course is a downloadable product. It's not like marriage counseling where you see someone in person. You order the book online, download it, and read it. In addition, if you order now, the company that put this product out said they will include 6 bonuses with it which I thought was really nice of them. For a limited time, they will also include free e-mail consultation.

So once more, if you are considering Marriage Counseling, first take a look at this Save My Marriage Today course. Because after all, The Save My Marriage Today course is a lot cheaper and who knows, it may just be what you need. I should note, this also comes with a full 6-day money back guarantee. So you don't have to worry about not being satisfied with this product.

Anyway, good luck!

Once more, you can download the course here.

Emotional Affairs

Hearing that your cheating spouse is “in love” with someone else is devastating. I hear often, “I can handle her having sex with someone else. I think I can live with that. But, for her to give herself emotionally and “love” someone else…man, that is hard.” (Feel free to substitute the word he for she in this article.)

What can you specifically do to increase the odds of saving the marriage?

So often the offended spouse reacts with intense feelings and pulls out all stops to “win her back.”

He applies pressure. Begs. Cajoles. Makes promises. Gets in her face. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. Talks to her family and friends. Calls her on the phone. Asks questions… daily, sometimes hourly. He is on her like a fly on doo-doo.

It doesn’t work.Why? Well, for one reason she has found all the stimulation and excitement she supposedly needs in her new found “love.”

At a deeper level this is confusing enough for the cheating husband or cheating wife. Any additional input will be overwhelming and she is liable to close the door on the marriage even further. Plus, she is really looking for some stability, some solid centered core that will hold her firm when the wind of drama entices her and blows around her.

If you bombard her with your neediness, you are certainly not the person who can help her in ways she really seeks.

She also is liable to create a polarity and begin comparing you to him. With your neediness dripping all over you, you don’t stand a very good chance of coming out on top. Sorry!

Here’s a tactic that helps solve the dilemma and gives you a greater chance of saving the marriage.It’s called “back off!”

Stop pressing. Slow down the pace. Be silent – most of the time. Stop making requests. Stop asking questions. Stop trying to wiggle out some assurance. Stop being a pain!

Remember, this “in love” state will fade. You need to have the confidence that it will. You need patience. The relationship will run its course.

She needs the space. She needs some quiet moments to truly hear herself and face the emptiness within. There will be a voice within her that says, “This will not last. Is this what I really want? At some time I must live in the real world. Where is this taking me? Is this where I really want to go? Why am I so dependent on him? Why do I feel this empty pit in my stomach when I’m not with him? What does this say about me?”

This is her opportunity to learn about TRUE love. Don’t get in her way.

I know. I know. This is easier said than done. But, you must do it. It is vitally important that you learn to quiet yourself, control yourself and keep on the straight and narrow path.

At this point with those I coach, I teach them a skill called "charging neutral" to help "back off." Use that skill.This will take some effort. It might take some coaching or therapy. It most likely will demand that you get to know yourself better, that you gain more confidence in you – apart from what she does with him – that you build a strong foundation under yourself that can weather any storm.

This is your opportunity to grow to another level.

Oh, by the way. She will notice! And….she might like it.

Backing off does not mean that you don’t have anything to do with her. Quite the contrary. You want to maintain your contact with her, but it will be QUALITY contact. It will be contact that does honor to you, confronts her with the reality of her decisions and works toward resolution for the marriage.


Summary: Less often means more when facing emotional infidelity. Learning a specific skill such as "backing off" enhances one's chance to save the marriage.

Some Ways To Save Your Marriage

They say that marriage is the most important decision you have to make in your whole life. Although this has been a reminder from the elders, some people do not look at it that way especially the young. Sometimes, what turns out to be the smartest decision becomes the opposite.

When a couple realizes that their marriage is going down, there’s nothing more important than saving marriage. You should talk about things that will be helpful to save your marriage. It is important for a couple to remain the same as how it used to be.

There are a lot of factors affecting marriage and it hinders having a happy, fun and enjoying life for the couples.

If a married couple is having problems, they need to do everything to save marriage especially if they have kids. This article will give you tips on how to save marriage.

First is to acknowledge the reasons for your problems. This means that both of you should accept the problem and find out how it all started. If you do not talk it over, problems will get bigger and bigger. When the problem becomes bigger, it will be hard to pull it down and talk over.

If the partners are rational, calm and reasonable, chances are they can talk it out easily. As much as possible, stay away from high temper and avoid getting into an argument when you are both not in the mood because it will just be a cat and dog fight. Sometimes, when in too much anger, people tend to say things that they don’t really have and mean to especially if both of them are emotional.

You should find a middle ground so that both of you can understand each other very well. This will set you in the mood to talk about the problem and what needs to be done and undone. The couple should agree to their decision and each one should make a promise to know better in dealing some unwanted circumstances which often leads to a serious fight.

Work as a team. Talk to each other and ask what you both need to enlighten yourself out of stress and other problems. one should support the other by means of understanding everything he or she is going through.

Each one should be open about their feelings and emotions. It is not proper to hide anger, envy and jealousy for a longer time but pour it all out one day. This often leads to misunderstandings. Try talking to each other and find out what one likes or dislikes about their behavior whether for themselves or other people.

You need to take it slowly. Do not run into conclusions which you are not sure of. Avoid the words that you want to say that you think might hurt him or her. When you take it down, you will both find it later that its not really a big problem to tackle and fight about. This will save marriage effectively.

Try to find other ways on how to enjoy and relax. When you think of saving marriage you need to take it with all your heart or else, it will not work at all. Try to find something which you have both never done before. Following these tips will help you save your marriage and last until the end.

For my recommendation on how to save your marriage, I recommend the save my marriage course. It's like marriage counseling, but not as expensive.

Does Marriage Counseling Work?

When considering marriage counseling, it's difficult not to wonder whether seeing a marriage counselor will actually work. This article provides some objective information based on data obtained from a national survey of marriage and family counselors and their clients. Also presented are several interesting opinions provided by individuals who have actually been through marriage counseling and were asked to comment on whether or not seeing a marriage counselor proved effective in helping their relationship.

An honest marriage counselor would agree that the motivation of a couple may be the single most important factor in determining the success of marriage counseling. It's unlikely that even a brilliant counselor would be able to save a marriage where one spouse has already decided upon a divorce, and a mediocre marriage counselor can probably help a couple who are utterly committed towards making their marriage work. With this in mind, research has been made in an effort to determine, on a more scientific level, the effectiveness of couples counseling.

In an article published by Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, clients of marriage and family counselors from 15 different states reported on their experience with counseling. The findings indicated that marriage and family counselors treated a wide range of issues in relatively short-term fashion, couple and family therapy are briefer than individual therapy, and that client satisfaction and functional improvement are quite high.

[*] Specifically, of clients from 526 marriage and family counselors in 15 different states:

98.1% rated services good or excellent
97.1% got the kind of help they desired
91.2% were satisfied with the amount of help they received
93% said they were helped in dealing more effectively with problems
94.3% would return to the same therapist in the future
96.9% would recommend their therapist to a friend
97.4% were generally satisfied with the service they received
63.4% reported improved physical health
54.8% reported improvement in functioning at work
73.7% indicated improvement in children’s behavior
58.7% showed improvement in children’s school performance
[*] Excerpted from "Clinical Practice Patterns of Marriage and Family Therapists: A National Survey of Therapists and Their Clients", Journal of Marital and Family Therapy--Volume 22, No. 1

While the above study provides raw data that supports the effectiveness of marriage and family counseling, a very interesting discussion on the question "Does Couples Counseling Work" from a public forum devoted to this topic offers a less clinical, but still positive view. Based on what seems to be a very honest and frank discussion among couples "who've been there," the answer to the question of whether or not marriage counseling is effective is a positive one. Read these posts on the Berkley Parents Network.

Regardless of the studies and opinions which seem to support the effectiveness of marriage / couples counseling, there are those who question it's effectiveness. An article on the about.com portal, had this to say:

The science of marital counseling is being studied in great detail these days. Research is showing that it is not as effective as people think, that women seem to get more from it than men, and that it might not have a lasting effect on the couple's marriage.

What type of couple gets the most from couple therapy? The answer is young, non-sexist, still in love, open couples.

Which couples receive the least from therapy? Some factors that can make couple therapy unsuccessful include couples who wait too long before seeking help, and often one or the other is set on getting a divorce and is closed to any suggestions that may save the marriage.

Excerpted from the marriage.about.com portal

Unfortunately, the data supporting the above-mentioned research is not specifically cited in the article. The article seems to imply that couples who seek counseling because they want their relationship to work are more likely to succeed with marriage counseling than are those who enter into counseling with the (perhaps hidden) truth that they already want out.

For my recommendation on how to save your marriage, I recommend the save my marriage course. It's like marriage counseling, but not as expensive.

Less Anger In Your Marriage

Jose and Juanita have been married for 17 years, and basically love each other, yet have been fighting over the same issue almost every night of those years: She likes it cold at night and he likes it warm in their house and bedroom. She had just opened their bedroom windows for the night. When she left to visit the bathroom, she heard Jose follow her and close all the windows.

Let’s eavesdrop to see what we can learn about this fight and what to do about it.

—(curtain up)—
Juanita: (to Jose) "I can’t sleep unless the windows are wide open. You know that, but insist on closing them every night, just so I’ll be miserable. You are selfish and inconsiderate."

Jose: (to Juanita):"This is my house too. Why should I have to freeze? You always get your way. It is so cold in here you could hang meat! Are you trying to get me sick? No NORMAL person would want it this cold!"
(curtain down)

IS THIS A SOLVABLE PROBLEM?
Depends on the specific marriage. For some couples, the solution would be a simple compromise of some sort; for instance, buy a room thermometer and agree to always keep the room at an agreed upon temperature both could live with.

In many marriages, however, a problem like this is not easily solved—it becomes “perpetual”—and trying to “solve” it only creates anger and tension. For Jose and Juanita, this unfortunately was the case.

Why is a simple problem like this not solvable for our couple and in many other marriages? Could be many reasons, but the usual culprits are:

(1) The couple is engaged in a “power” or “control” struggle. This means the fight isn’t about the issue anymore—it is about who will win or lose.

(2) The temperature issue goes deeper and is emotionally tied into other personal or marital issues. If this is the case, the more pressure put on the person to “change,” the more the person resists.

For instance, turns out that Juanita literally panics if in a room without air flow due to issues in her childhood. Depriving her of fresh air flow literally makes her want to fight for her life.

CONFIDING MAKES THE DIFFERENCE
Let’s now listen in on what Jose and Juanita could have said that may have made a HUGE difference in their communication.
This is because now they are speaking from their hearts —combining empathy (seeing things from the viewpoint of the other) with assertive communication (honestly speaking your feelings and thoughts in a forthright manner)

Juanita (should have said something like):"I feel that I don’t have to put up with this, although I also feel bad that you have to suffer. I tell myself that if you really loved me, you would want me to be comfortable at night.
I also ask myself why should I always give in? I work hard all day too and deserve some consideration. All I’m asking for is a decent night’s sleep, but then, I wonder if I am being too selfish."

Jose (should have said something like):"I do really love you and I want you to be comfortable too, but it gets so cold in here at night for me that I can’t sleep.
We both want a good night’s sleep and want to be able to continue sleeping together in the same room. Let’s find a way to discuss it so it doesn’t make us so angry at each other."

Granted, it is not easy to confide when in the heat of marital battle. Consequently, it is often better to first take a time out, calm down and then communicate what is in your heart. The following communication tips will help:

FOUR COMMUNICATION TIPS

Tip 1- Don’t only focus on the issue. Also discuss your feelings, thoughts, and inner conflicts surrounding the issue. Confide what is going on in both your heart and your mind.

Tip 2- Look at how you communicate with each other ABOUT the issue. Focus on the process of communication.

Tip 3- Give up needing to be right all the time. Wise and successful married people have discovered that often it is preferable to be happy than to be right!

Tip 4- Convey to your partner that you love them enough to want to join them so together you can find a way to deal with the issue or problem.